I am hooked on this season of "The Bachelor" and it’s only been on two weeks!
Last night was a series of train wrecks that would not stop. Just when one of the chicks did something to make you think she was a loon, the next one would turn out to be a whore. It was fantastic.
Michelle is the Mayor of Crazytown. This chick seriously needs to be kept away from sharp objects. She is going to stab someone, or perhaps herself, and the good news is that we will all be able to see it on YouTube because a staffer will sell the footage. Staffers do a lot of bad stuff on "The Bachelor," but we’ll come back to that.
I laugh out loud when the girls scream at the mention of every date. I laugh even harder when they speak about Jake like he planned the whole thing. He planned nothing. My king, Mike Fleiss, and his peeps are the masterminds behind all these dates, and when Jake takes credit we all know the truth.
The first date is a photo shoot for InStyle. Roz, the whore, says Jake is so cute she wants to bite him, then lifts her leg and flashes her hoo-ha. So classy.
Christina, the girl next door, is sincere; she is so nervous that it’s charming and you feel for her. She is, however, a sloppy drunk and looks like she’s had Botox injections directly into her eyeballs. I would watch an hour of her just being drunk and trying to talk.
I think Gia is the prettiest girl; last week I said I would like a week in her body. Here’s the thing: I would be happy to take a day. I just can’t imagine what it must be like to be that pretty.
Jake is winning me over, but he is clearly all about the swimsuit -- it’s fascinating to watch him be in a deep conversation with Gia and then shut off immediately whenever a swimsuit comes by. Love it.
Ally, the Sleeping Beauty look-a-like, got the one-on-one date. When she got on the Harley in a yellow mini dress, I thought I was watching "Rock of Love" and had to regroup. I am perplexed how a girl who has missed out on family vacations because she does not fly was able to get into a lawnmower and fly for an hour. Was her flying fear fake? Yup. Good for her. It was a risk, but she won. Bravo. She is a lucky girl, particularly because her dress did not fall off as she ran across the grass.
The second group date was hilarious. Elizabeth did not disappoint -- she is totally the secret Queen of Crazytown. She told Jake he couldn’t kiss her unless she is the last girl standing. Is she insane? He is seriously going to not kiss her unless he wants to marry her? What is that noise? It’s the nails going into your coffin, Crazy.
