Those of us of a certain age remember the '60s (though I pretend not to -- after all, I was only 12!). And if you remember the '60s, you'll remember one of the tenets of the '60s economy -- shorter skirts meant higher stock markets and a better Gross National Product. (No kidding -- if you don't remember the '60s, then just check Wikipedia.)
I can't remember the name of that concept -- Skirts for Stocks? -- but it was true. Coming out of WWII, women wore long pencil skirts for their jobs as executive assistants. As the economy improved in the '50s -- and the stock market rose, skirts got shorter and more "swingier" … just look at any old Elvis Presley movie (or "Mad Men.") As they did, the economy picked up, as did the stock market.
Suddenly, short skirts were in (check out any early Beach Boys video) -- and the stock market went through the roof! That was, of course, the early '60s -- prior to Vietnam, inflation, Nixon … you get the picture. By 1970, miniskirts were out and "maxiskirts" were in -- the ones that ran all the way down to the ankles! And the economy and stock market were in the toilet.
Cut to a decade later, Reagan's dumping billions into the economy (running up the biggest deficits in history) and suddenly the club kids are all wearing skirts shorter than their underwear (only to be supplanted a decade later by Britney Spears, et al., who didn't even wear underwear … as numerous paparazzi photos revealed.)
But then, reality set in, the stock market crashed from 14,000 two years ago (when Britney was sporting no undies) to 7,000 earlier this year, when Michelle Obama was suddenly wearing below the knee skirts. So maybe there's something to that theory.
Anyway. I have a better theory -- and more relevant for our times. With all of our Hollywood producers' 401(k)s "underwater" (don't actually look online, it'll make you sick; and forget your kids' 529 college accounts -- they're gone!) let's look at Tinsel Town's role in this, specifically, its role in promoting (well, how else to you say it?) boobs -- and, yes, you can now all send in your comments about producers being boobs.
But producer boobs aren't what I'm talking about here. The reality is -- and it's true -- ever since the invention of "breast enhancement" surgery, boobs have been a "leading indicator" for the economy. I mean, please, do you think we could have won WWII without Howard Hughes' steel bustier for Jane Russell in 1943"s "The Outlaw"? Just compare her to the stars of the Great Depression, all of whom, like the economy, were, well, flat.
Myrna Loy didn't even need to wear a brassiere; Bette Davis had eyes, not boobs. And even the stars of the biggest movies were either children (Judy Garland) or "Gone With the Wind"'s, Vivien Leigh and Olivia de Havilland, who didn't have a B cup between them.
