The Most Evil Overweight Woman Since Ursula the Sea Witch

This season of “The Biggest Loser” involves more strategy than getting “Paranormal Activity” to come to your city. (And by “strategy,” I don’t mean creative calorie counting.) 

 As my friend Bradley so eloquently put it, “This show has gone from Double Cheeseburgers to Double Crossing!”

Last night the “Losers” competed in a game of chance for the power to divide the players into two teams and choose each team’s trainer. Who ended up being the Pudgy Puppet Master? None other than Tracey, of course, whose underhanded power plays we mentioned a few posts back. 

There was a collective gasp as she regained control of the game, and even her former partner Coach Mo mentioned that when she stepped up to the spin the wheel, the wind started blowing and it felt as if there were magic in the air. He also used the word “supernatural.” (Just in time for Halloween!)

Her win did not do much to endear her to the other contestants, especially once she divided up most of the partners. (Mo remained with her on the same team.) Nor, it must be said, did it make her more popular with Bob and Jillian. It was no surprise that Tracey chose Bob as her team’s trainer, claiming that she had more of a bond with him. I guess “more of a bond” is a euphemism for “less likely to beat me to a pulp,” as Jillian seems utterly disgusted by her antics.

Heck, even Alison Sweeney, who’s supposed to be the unbiased host can’t mask her disdain. Yes, she is outwardly professional but I can hear that Sami Brady tone in her voice! (NBC Daytime Drama has just moved to primetime!)

Tracey has become the most evil overweight woman since Ursula the Sea Witch.

In fact, when she received a video from her family as a reward for her team winning the physical challenge, I half expected to see footage of her coven back at home. I was shocked to see an actual husband (again, how can someone like her snag a husband when I can’t even get a date?) but it made me feel better when I saw that he was sitting in a chair decorated with a tacky Texas Longhorns pattern.

The most annoying evidence supporting the theory that she may actually be a witch? The fact that, despite doctor’s orders that she limit her workouts, she continues to drop the pounds! Her witchy weight loss is infuriating!

Did her team send her home, though? No! Somehow Coach Mo got the ax instead. In an act of nobility (or perhaps as a result of a Stupidity Spell?) he threw himself on his sword and convinced his teammates that Tracey would be a stronger player than him.

Yes, the show is definitely a competition. As one of my readers said, “There can only be one Biggest Loser.” But at its heart, the competition is not with the other players but with oneself. Everyone else seems to get this but Tracey.

Maybe she needs to listen to the words of the theme song again. What have you done today to make you feel proud, Tracey?