Here’s What Happens When You Suddenly Get a Call From Kathy Griffin

“Look, I just wanted to f–k Colton Haynes like you and every other guy in this town,” comedian says about “Grannie” co-star

I had completely forgotten I sent an email to Kathy Griffin‘s publicist asking for some info and a possible comment about her latest project, when I suddenly got a call from her team telling me I may want to fire up my recording device.

I’d already published my story about Griffin’s new YouTube video — a spoof trailer for a geriatric version of the iconic musical, “Annie,” called, “Grannie.”

The video stars Griffin as the world’s oldest orphan, “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” cast-member Lisa Rinna as Miss Hannigan and “Arrow’s” Colton Haynes as Daddy Warbucks.

“You’re on with Kathy,” said a man on the other end of the line. And just like that, we were off to the races:

Kathy Griffin: Grannie, How can I help you?

Itay Hod: Hey Kathy, thanks for taking the time. So, how did this project get started?

KG: Look, I just wanted to f–k Colton Haynes like you and every other guy in this town. I know he has a thing for older ladies so I said, ‘I’m in.’

IH: Got it.

*Haynes is openly gay.

KG:  This whole thing is so much fun, I can’t believe it’s like No. 4 on the Twat [*Twitter]. This is a cautionary tale.

IH: How so?

KG: It’s a tale of a living legend named Kathy Griffin, multi-award winning etc., who had a wonderful gay assistant for years who then turned to her one day and said: ‘I love being your assistant but I really want to make funny YouTube videos.’ So, that’s what the world has come to.

IH: I see… So your assistant came up with the idea?

KG: ‘Brit & Yank.’ They make these funny videos and they kept saying, ‘Will you trust us?’

IH: When did you shoot this?

KG: Oh my god, not even two weeks ago!  They whipped this thing together… And then they had me sing. I thought they were going to auto-tune me like Taylor Swift or one of those gals. I thought it was going to sound like ‘Bad Love’ or ‘Shake It Off.’ [Swift’s song is actually called “Bad Blood,” which somehow makes it funnier]. I didn’t know it was going to open with my horrible a cappella singing.

*The video features all the great classics you’ve come to adore, including, “It’s a Hard Knock Life,” “Little Girls,” “I Think I’m Gonna Like It Here,” and “Tomorrow,” which Griffin belts out unaccompanied.

KG: Even though Josh Groban already asked me to do a duet with me, I said, well, let’s see how your breathing lessons go. Kristin Chenoweth still hasn’t called me back I think she’s so jealous and threatened.

IH: I know you have a Grammy and an Emmy. Are you going for a Tony?

KG: I have two Emmys you ungrateful f–k. I’m the egg in EGOT.

*Full disclosure, I couldn’t make out most of what she said immediately after, as I was in the midst of a laughing fit.

KG: I feel that my Oscar is forthcoming. I already told Lee Daniels that I was the next ‘Precious.’ But I said, ‘I get it, I’ll be the white ‘Precious.’

Any reporter who’s ever interviewed Griffin will tell you that having questions prepared ahead of time is completely useless. And that interrupting Griffin as she’s on a roll is a bit like pouring ketchup on a prime-rib steak — it just ruins it.

So, I follow Griffin’s lead.

KG: Now obviously I’m a bit nervous, because you just heard my… should I say style of singing? Maybe Baz Luhrmann or Rob Marshall will be like, ‘Oh my God, Kathy Griffin‘s singing is the latest trend, It’s hotter than Kylie Jenner’s lip kit! We got to get Griffin!

And then they’ll probably do the film and then they’ll probably do Broadway for a limited run. I’m assuming when I get tired, Liza will take over.

My assistant and his partner were great. Leave it to them. They got Colton because I worked on his show ‘Privileged’ on the CW. And then we called Rinna because she’s like a gal who will just got for it and have fun. I also loved that most of the orphans were at least 30 [years-old]. And everybody just came over and worked for free. It’s really fun.

IH: How long did it take to shoot it?

KG: Two days. These gays are fast.

IH: I was surprised to see that Lisa Rinna can sing.

KG: Yeah, she has a fantastic voice and Colton’s good at singing too. I’m like when Meryl Streep, who is a really good singer, said she had to be bad for ‘Florence Foster Jenkins.’ I purposely had to sing like that for my character. But don’t worry, when the offer comes from the Met and they want me to do ‘La Bohème,’ I can f–king do it. That’s just easy.

And with that Ms. Jenkins had to dash… Ostensibly to sign her next recording deal with P. Diddy.