"All men can see these tactics whereby I conquer, but what none can see is the strategy out of which victory is evolved."
While he wasn't attempting to bundle broadband, phone and cable TV services, Sun Tzu said there'd be days like this.
And as I spiraled down the vortex of one of my worst consumer experiences ever, I had to wonder: Just how brilliant is AT&T's marketing department?
It's not that they've managed to provide me anything yet -- although, from U-Verse cable TV to smart phones to home broadband, I've tried earnestly to buy virtually every communications product AT&T sells in recent weeks.
But in an almost uncanny series of egregious customer-service errors and emotional abuse, I've been shut down at every turn.
Now, I'm not a believer in Intelligent Design, but I kind of get the idea. I'm just not buying that AT&T's seeming ineptitude -- which spans divisions, service teams and even continents -- isn't part of some brilliant master plan.
Come on, nobody can really be this lame without trying.
My theory? AT&T's in this for the long con -- they want me as their bitch ... not just for a two-year contract, but for life.
Here's a rundown of what I'm talking about.
• About three weeks ago, I got the uppity idea to try to switch my phone service to Vonage, but keep my existing AT&T broadband service. My wife and I aren't using the land line that much these days, I thought, on the count of we both have smart phones with AT&T service plans. Might as well have a basic $18-a-month service plan with Vonage, but keep our AT&T DSL service. Simple, right?
Nope. After the cursory 10-minute meandering through AT&T's automated phone system, a representative told me I have to terminate my existing account and start new one, with only broadband on it.
"Great, let's do it," I said.
But even though everything was set up on my end, I'm told by a not-so-effervescent woman named Natalie that it will take a week to set up the new line.
Fine.
So the week goes by, and I call AT&T -- after the usual 10-minute hassle with the computerized operator -- and ask, "Wuz up?"
I'm told by some dude named John that Vonage has to call and seize my old phone number (I want to keep it) before AT&T can execute the order.
"Call Vonage and see what the hold-up is," I'm advised
I call Vonage. They say it's AT&T's issue. I call AT&T back (after yet another 10 minutes talking to a machine that keeps saying, "I didn't understand that -- let's try this again".)
Back and forth I go, until a Vonage rep named "Miranda" in some Far Eastern call center asks me, "Can I be honest with you?"
"Please."
