Golden Globes in the Ballroom: Things I Learned by Attending

By 6 p.m. everyone is starving and charges out during commercials to forage for tea sandwiches in a backroom

I attended the Golden Globes last night for the first time, ever. Some of you may know that I have had… opinions about the Globes in the past. Now I have some new opinions, but haven't necessarily relinquished the old ones:

1. The red carpet is its own little planet, full of beautiful, famous people in a protective coating. While on Planet Red Carpet you can befriend anyone.

2. They serve dinner at 4:30. Nobody eats it.

3. At 4:59 p.m. the servers remove plates of untouched food and pristine dessert like mad dervishes in time for the live telecast at 5 p.m.

4. After the monologue, no one watches the show on the stage. Conversations on the floor are much more interesting.

5. Leonardo DiCaprio can smoke wherever he wants. (Say, in the ballroom. Next to WB’s Jeff Robinov.)

6. By 6 p.m. everyone is starving and charges out during commercials to forage for tea sandwiches in a backroom.

7. Agents move around during the ceremony like feral creatures. Up the stairs, down the stairs. Round the room. Some of them bite.

8. The bathroom during the Globes is AWESOME. Nice ladies offer to fix your makeup for free and Oscar winners kindly wait in line.

9. Harvey Weinstein really likes it when people refer to him as 'God.'

10. Everybody liked "Modern Family’s" acceptance patter. No one was convinced by Meryl Streep’s breathless shock.

11. It’s very hard to get drunk when Magnums of Moet are on the table. Too heavy to lift and no one’s serving. Maybe that’s why this year’s awards were so tame.