The juggernaut steamrolled its competition — and someone’s the winner by a haircut
The Brigade has its own line of plain white tees coming out. You too, can decorate them as you please, but remember it’s misspelled Bra-gade. Better yet, the “Bra-Bra-Bra-GADE!”– its war cry.
Their nationwide bar tour is expected to begin immediately — drinks on you. Superstars do not pay their own tab, uh duh.
While there, be sure to catch Enzo’s Machismo vs. Matt’s Ego in a cage match as they battle it out to determine who the mastermind behind their secret alliance truly is. Didn’t know this was up for debate, but according to Matt (a known liar), he started this brilliant bunch and planned every detail of their takeover before he was unceremoniously ousted.
And finally, once the boy’s snowboarding adventure is over, Enzo the Meow Meow will be co-starring alongside Al Pacino in the next Martin Scorsese mob film. The trailer looks amazing!
In fact, all previews to the Brigade’s new life outside of the "Big Brother" house look spectacular and suggest success complete with Dolby surround sound. Their delusions of grandeur were widely discussed amongst themselves during their down time and they have painted us quite an expansive picture.
Other fantasies conjured up for our enjoyment include, but aren’t limited to: This season was full of drama, huge endorsement deals await them, and they are bigger stars than those "Jersey Shore" kids could ever be. "Dancing with the Stars" was never mentioned by them, but that’s a gig Hayden would be perfect for. Although his two left feet, pending stardom and newfound fame would have to wait as he was focused on winning his fortune.
Hayden’s game has been flawless in these final weeks, easily winning back-to-back Head of Household competitions; the final HOH was his for the taking. Staying true to his Final 2 deal brokered with Lane early in the season, he chose to evict Enzo.
As he rose from his seat, Enzo’s desire to remain in the game quickly flashed on his hopeful face, but realizing it was truly over, he joined Julie Chen on stage. From that point on, “playing a social game” was the phrase uttered ad nauseam by everyone except the Zingbot, who was in the audience. He didn’t get a “Ziiinnngg!” in, but the jury more than handled that.
Britney delivered the one-liners she’s known for as she entered the house showcasing one of her very own Bra-gade white tees. There she revealed the significance of the Brigade, the nicknames and their machinations to Matt’s grinning face, Ragan’s surly one, Brenchel’s combined shocked faces, and Kathy’s permanent look of, “Huh?”
They all sat in the jury house because of the Brigade, the best undercover alliance to see their game through to the end. Stealthily moving among its fellow housemates, developing side alliances, and controlling eviction votes, the juggernaut steamrolled the competition and effortlessly pulled off the ultimate finish.
It was quite an easy accomplishment as no one opposed them, and essentially worked with them. Now they had to vote for one of them.
Brenchel, who have been harping all season long about valuing players who competed with vigor voted for Lane because of his excellent social game … What?! Of course Britney voted for her good friend, the Beast, but all the remaining votes went to the Animal.
Kathy cast a personal vote. Ragan voted from atop the lofty perch of his high horse. Matt picked the Brigade member he felt made the best power play of the two of evicting him because in the words of the “diabolical super genius” — he would have definitely won if left in the game. Yeah, we know, Matt, you’re omnipotent and you only use your lying powers for good.
Meow Meow’s key locked in Hayden as the winner. Enzo started it and, not able to finish it, he gave his vote to the next best thing; bestowing the final prize on the Brigade member he felt needed a haircut more than the Beast needed a shave. Ah Enzo, he coulda been a contender.
Hayden won the $500,000, an expected outcome to a very predictable season. Britney captured the America’s Choice win for bringing the funny this season. Matt’s lie garnered no support from the Brigade, just chagrin. Brenchel is still going strong and the burgeoning romance of Hayden and Kristen will re-ignite over a pizza.
It’s now time for the fans to start speculating on whether next season will be All-Stars. After what many are describing as the Worst. Season. Ever! despite an increase of 5 percent in overall viewers, the fans are starved for some dynamic personalities previously proven to deliver the drama in spades.
In the meantime, this snoozefest is over, and you can catch the Brigade on the road. Don’t forget to get your tee-shirt!
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