'Idol' goes to Salt Lake City

Last night’s “American Idol” found us surrounded by so many politely bland, “golly gee willikers” youngsters that it initially wasn’t clear where we were trapped (uh, I mean “visiting”): in a rerun of “The Donna Reed Show” or in the city that spawned David Archuleta.  Because the episode aired in color, though (mainly blonde, blue-eyed color), it became obvious that we could only be in Salt Lake City, home to everyone’s favorite Monchichi.  While one would think that chasing after fame would be a big no-no in the Book of Mormon, that did not stop the city’s youth from coming out in droves to be the next Kelly Clarkson, or, better yet, the next Osmond.

 

Speaking of Osmonds, the show started off with a bang – or, rather, a “Hallelujah!” – with the audition of David Osmond, son to Alan and nephew to Donny and Marie.  His choice of the Take 6 (that’s the “Christian Boyz II Men” for you secular folk) song “Something Within Me” did not exactly stir the judges’ souls but there was no denying that there’s a voice there.  While Simon’s concern was Osmond not being contemporary enough, the bigger concern should be whether he will be the victim of backlash, a la Joanna Pacitti, due to the fact that he’s already toured nationally in the title role of “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat,” a part he took over from Uncle Donny.  Osmond, whom MS confined to a wheelchair not long ago, should fare well in the weeks to come. He’s got a voice, an Osmond name and good looks.  Add to that the fact that he has a very Hollywood Week-friendly inspirational story and – can I get an “Amen?” – you may just have yourself an American Idol.

 

Tara Mathews, the flame-haired goth, did not foresee her “Idol” fate, despite apparently having ESP.  While some may scoff at the idea of an intuitive not being able to envision her own future, anyone who’s ever seen world-famous psychic Sylvia Browne on “The Montel Williams Show” knows that you simply can’t have ESP about yourself. Ya just can’t.  While the show’s promos made a big deal about finding “the only goth in Salt Lake City,” it is doubtful that it is that rare.  After all, Stephenie Meyer, the authoress of “Twilight,” (which is kind of like “Sweet Valley High” with monsters….and abstinence) is a Mormon. And, hey, what could be more goth than vampires?  Both Mathews’ outfit and singing were memorable….but for all the wrong reasons.  Yes, she had the same Ronald McDonald dye job that Nicole Kidman sported in “Moulin Rouge” and she sang a song from the same movie; however, her ESP failed to inform her that hair would not be enough.  The judges’ apologies did not seem to quell her rage at being rejected.  As she left the audition location she chanted, “Burn in hell! Burn in hell!” whilst holding up her middle finger.