“BATMAN & ROBIN”: If social media was on fire in 1996 when Joel Schumacher cast the sequel to “Batman Forever,” surely we would have collectively assumed the director’s decision to pick Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze was a joke. Little did we know, Schumacher had a bigger punchline in mind, and produced the most expensive joke of the ’90s.
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN MOVIES AFTER “SIGNS”: What do “The Village,” “Lady in the Water,” “The Happening,” “The Last Airbender” and “After Earth” have in common? They were all huge disappointments from the guy who wrote and directed one of the best ghost stories ever put on film.
“THE HANGOVER PART III”: If Todd Phillips’ master plan was to prove that filmmakers and actors don’t even need to exert any effort for the third sequel to make a ton of money, he succeeded. The $100 million movie made $362 million worldwide, without offering a single funny joke.
“JERSEY GIRL”: “Kevin Smith is making a heart-felt rom-com! April Fools’! He’s making another hilarious R-rated comedy about foul-mouthed New Jersey stoners and convenient store clerks who spend their time deconstructing sex and movies, while wondering what the f–k the internet is.” — News We Wish We Would Have Read in 2004
“MAC & ME”: A tired “E.T.” rip-off, best known for awkward product placements for Coke and Skittles and a gag-inducing dance scene set in McDonalds, it closed with a freeze frame on the phrase “We’ll be back!” Thanks to a brutal critical and commercial reception, plans for a sequel to this boy and his alien story were euthanized. Talk about a mercy killing.
“SABOTAGE”: Schwarzenegger is an action icon from the genre’s golden era in Hollywood, but his comeback movies (“The Last Stand,” “Escape Plan”) haven’t exactly done his legacy any favors. His latest only offers further self-sabotage, and suggests he was better off ending his signature catch phrase, “I’ll be back,” with “Just kidding!”
STAR WARS: EPISODE 1 – THE PHANTOM MENACE: Ever wonder what Darth Vader was like as a child? No? Okay. But surely you spent the 16 years after “Return of the Jedi” wondering about galactic trade disputes. No again? Let’s try this: Do you love computer-generated characters who seem like ethnic caricatures? You don’t? Well that’s weird. It’s sounding almost like this movie shouldn’t have been made.
“BATTLEFIELD EARTH”: John Travolta spent years trying to get a big screen version of L. Ron Hubbard’s science-fiction novel made as a tribute to the Scientology creator. A simple thank you would have sufficed. Instead, Travolta banked his star power on a passion project about a race of giant aliens enslaving humanity only to see it sink like a stone at the box office. His reputation never recovered. Not helping his dignity was a ridiculous alien costume that made Travolta look like an acid-trip version of Worf.
“MAN OF STEEL”: Here’s an idea: let’s take the dark, foreboding tone that made the Batman movies great, and then combine that with one of the worst scripts in modern history!
“MOMMIE DEAREST”: Faye Dunaway sinks her teeth into the role of Joan Crawford, but her chompers didn’t stop with the Oscar-winning legend. In this over-the-top dud, Dunaway’s bite marks are discernible on the furniture, her co-stars, even the camera itself. It’s a parody of a performance. The one upside is that this look at the emotionally and physically abusive Crawford gave us the immortal line, “No wire hangers ever,” and inspired a generation of drag performers.
EVERY ADAM SANDLER MOVIE SINCE “FUNNY PEOPLE”: “Just Go With It,” “Jack & Jill,” “That’s My Boy” and “Grown Ups 2” just make us wish Sandler would give dramatic acting another shot.