Justin Bieber was the butt of everyone’s joke on Monday when Comedy Central aired it’s highly-anticipated roast of the “Believe” singer.
Kevin Hart, Natasha Leggero, Snoop Dogg
The 21-year-old didn’t miss his chance to fight back, however, blasting them during his rebuttal by saying, “What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.”
TheWrap chose the seven most outrageous moments from the public bashing of the singer, who was described as having the “driving skills of Stevie Wonder.”
Don’t mention his ex-girlfriend … or the monkey
“Unfortunately Selena Gomez couldn’t be here tonight … just because she didn’t want to come, there’s no reason. I wish I had something better to tell you, I don’t,” said Roast Master Hart in his introduction. And don’t think Bieber’s monkey, Mally, was excused from the abuse, as Hart told him: “That was a privileged Beverly Hills monkey and you dropped him in Germany? Now that monkey is in a German zoo sucking rhino dick.”
Hannibal Buress gets credit — and blame — for exposing Bill Cosby
After his standup act encouraged a slew of women to come out and accuse “The Cosby Show” star of sexual assault, Buress was the one in the spotlight. “Hannibal Buress is famous for exposing Bill Cosby — and only for exposing Bill Cosby,” Davidson said. “But he deserved it — Bill Cosby hurt those women without ever caring about the consequences … that Hannibal Buress would become famous.”
When Bieber later took the microphone, he admitted that he didn’t know much about Buress, “but from what I am hearing, I hope you don’t know much about me either,” he said.
Martha Stewart has a new career in comedy
Normally prim and proper Stewart was the target of countless obscene jokes and took it all in stride, including being dubbed NBA legend O’Neal’s baby mama. “Once you go Shaq, you never go back, right Martha?” he quipped.
When the queen of homemaking took to the stage, she had harsh words in return for both O’Neal and Ludacris — taking jabs at their weight and their womanizing. “May I suggest pulling out some time and finishing on some fine, absorbent Martha Stewart bed linen,” she told Ludacris.
“One of the highest-rated episodes on my show ‘Martha Stewart Living’ was when me and Snoop made brownies together, and I’ve used his recipe ever since. As a matter of fact, I ate three of them right before they called and asked me to do this roast,” she deadpanned, before mentioning gardening and telling comedienne Leggero, “You are without a doubt the dirtiest, most used-up hoe I have ever seen.”
Bieber gets jailhouse tips from an ex-con
In her very own “Get Hard” moment, Stewart said the real reason she was there was to give Justin advice for when he inevitably ends up in prison. “I’ve been in the lockup and you wouldn’t last a week,” she said, telling him the first thing he needed was a good homemade shank.
Snoop Dogg gets roasted as much as Bieber — and is completely unfazed
Possibly the most chilled-out star on the dais, Snoop Dogg got ripped by Ludacris and never broke his cool. “You’re a legend, which is a nice way of saying you are old as fuck. You only do it doggy-style because it’s easier on your lower back,” said the rapper and “Furious 7” star. When Snoop took to the stage, he kicked back and simply told everyone, “I don’t need no warmup; I’ve been smoking and drinking all night.”
While black people normally hate it when white people try to steal their culture — minus the discrimination and police brutality — Bieber is the exception, according to Snoop. “We don’t mind him smoking weed in public while sagging in the club, pissing in a mop bucket, living in a mansion while playing loud music and hating the neighbors for not welcoming change,” he revealed. “Welcome to the family, my nigga.”
Jeff Ross has a “Game of Thrones” moment
As one of the most hated young stars in entertainment, Bieber reminded one roaster of George R.R. Martin’s despised teenage monarch. “Face it Biebs, you’ve become a cocky little shit,” roast veteran Jeff Ross said. “You are the King Joffrey of pop.”
Bieber gets sincere and serious
After two hours of obscene jokes and dark humor, including a bit about the holocaust and Uber, Bieber closed the show with a humbling speech about his bad behavior. “Let’s get serious for a second. There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old … there’s been moments I am really proud of and a lot of moments I am pretty disappointed in myself for. But the things that I have done don’t define who I am,” he said.
“I am a kindhearted person who loves people and through it all I lost some of my best qualities. For that I am sorry,” he pledged, promising that he will rise from this fall. “I am excited for you to see what’s next.”
Watch the video here.