Though none of the traditional news organizations had yet called the presidential election for Joe Biden at the time of the taping of Friday’s episode of “Real Time,” Bill Maher took a victory lap nonetheless, remarking that ‘the networks still are too chicken s— to call it.’ Given Biden’s seemingly inevitable victory, Maher delivered a monologue full of zingers at Trump’s expense as well as some commentary about how ridiculous this election week was.
He also had a dire prediction about what the president’s concession speech might look like “A pundit on Fox today said ‘Trump may have the greatest moment of his career bringing us together with his concession speech.’ Really? Because I’m picturing something more like the end of ‘Scarface.’ Concede? I’ll be surprised if he comes out of the bathroom.”
For those not familiar, “Scarface” is about a gangster named Tony Montana, played by Al Pacino, who loves cocaine and lives in a huge mansion. At the end of the movie, a rival gangster sends a bunch of goons to “evict” Tony by shooting up the place. Tony fights back but eventually is killed.
But Maher began his monologue with a bit of a misdirect.
“I know why you’re happy today,” Maher said to his audience to start things off. “Four states, and more states now, have legalized marijuana — and not a moment too soon. I mean almost the whole country now, and this not only strikes a blow against the repressive prohibition that has compromised justice in this country for way too long, but it significantly expands where I can tour. Oregon, how about this? Oregon decriminalized coke, meth, ecstasy and heroin, and experts say this is a major win for Charlie Sheen’s cargo shorts.”
“But OK, so let’s see, what else is in the news? Umm, oh yeah, Biden won the election.”
And then Maher paused for the audience to cheer as balloons fells from the ceiling.
maher celebrated the the election results with balloons pic.twitter.com/SqayLz0trm
– Phil Owen (@philrowen) November 7, 2020
“Not that we’re taking sides. I just want to report that. No matter who you voted for, we can all be proud that we live in the third most democratic country in North America,” Maher joked. “Now I don’t know, I mean it’s 4 — we go on at 7 to the West, 10 to the East — so we’re three hours before this goes on the air. The networks still are too chicken s— to call it, but, plainly, he’s won this election.
“You know elections in America. They’re a lot like losing your virginity when you’re a lesbian. Between the late ballots and the recounts and the lawsuits and the Electoral College, it’s hard to actually know when you’re finished.”
Maher then had some jokes about how Trump is handling this whole situation.
“Now, of course, until all the ballots are counted, President Trump is telling everyone to stay calm and classy and respect the process — of course he’s not. He’s throwing a tantrum like the two-ton whiny little bitch he is,” Maher said. “He doesn’t like it that for the first time he’s on the other end of an eviction notice. He doesn’t like it that he probably will lose the popular vote by as much as 7 million. Biden got the largest percentage against an incumbent since FDR.
“It looks like the Democrat, Biden, will win Georgia. Georgia. And also the most conservative state ever, Arizona. Arizona. It seems like Arizonans like president who don’t s— on John McCain.”
Then Maher couldn’t help but take shots at Trump and many of his Republican supporters.
“It’s funny, during the week while they’re counting in all these different states that are still out, Trump’s goons were outside the counting center saying ‘stop the count’ in Pennsylvania and ‘count the vote’ in Arizona. ‘What do we want?’ ‘Justice!’ ‘When do we want it?’ ‘Not now!'” Maher joked.
“Trump’s whole thing is like, ‘I’ve seen some pretty low things, some pretty low tricks by the Democrats, but counting all the ballots? That is a bridge too far.’ Of course he’s saying it’s a fraud and a hoax, and he’s suing. He’s been telling us he’s going to do that for a year! I’ve been telling you for three. And yet the media is perpetually shocked by this. They’re like the announcer at a wrestling match. ‘Oh my god, he’s gonna hit him with a folding chair!’ Yeah, it happens all the time.
Finally, Maher ended the monologue with one more personal shot at Trump, just for fun.
“But look, let’s be gracious in victory. I just want to say, Mr. Trump, if you are watching as you do sometimes accidentally, you may have lost the election but there’s one thing that you will always have. And that’s the knowledge that your father never loved you and your mother had sex with an ape.”