Colbert: After FBI Took Cohen’s Phone, ‘He’s Going to Have to Threaten Porn Stars by Telegram’ (Video)

“FBI agents are so far up in Trump’s business that they are reading his emails with a proctoscope,” the host joked on “The Late Show” Tuesday night

Last Updated: April 11, 2018 @ 6:22 AM

After briefly joking about the old folks interrogating Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg all day Tuesday (“We’ll have more on this tomorrow, if they make me”), Stephen Colbert spent the majority of his “Late Show” monologue Tuesday night cracking wise about the news item that has a solid chance at either remaining the biggest story of the week or spawning it: the FBI’s raid and seizure of property of Donald Trump’s attorney Michael Cohen.

“I want to give a shoutout to any FBI agents watching from this Michael Cohen’s hotel room! Hi, guys! If you’re there, remember, just order the porn, because the porn is on the president. And, uh, and the porn stars are, too,” Colbert joked. “Of course, I’m talking about yesterday’s big raid on Trump attorney and man realizing he left his soul on the bus, Michael Cohen. Now, a lot of people are expecting me to celebrate just because this is devastating to Donald Trump, but we’re not going to be dropping a bunch of Michael Cohen confetti tonight, because the FBI got all his papers before he could shred them.”

And then Colbert dropped a really interesting metaphor for how screwed Trump would appear to be right now.

“But it is a huge deal. This exact moment, as I speak, FBI agents are so far up in Trump’s business that they’re reading his emails with a proctoscope. Investigators snapped up Cohen’s computer, personal financial records, even his phone. Now he’s going to have to threaten porn stars by telegram,” Colbert said, before slipping in a joke about another joke. “Agents also took all material related to a 2016 payment Cohen made to adult film star Stormy Daniels. In this case, the FBI actually does stand for ‘female body inspector.'”

Colbert then played the now-famous clip of Trump derailing a meeting about Syria to complain about the raid, in which he said the FBI “broke into” Cohen’s office.

“What does he mean, ‘broke into the office of one of my person attorneys?’ They used a search warrant,” Colbert said before slipping into his Trump voice. “‘Did you see what they did to my attorney? They broke into his office, stole a bunch of damning evidence. I think they might kidnap him to jail.'”

And, of course, Colbert also had some instructive words for Trump about exactly what kind of troubling situation he’s in right now.

“Trump also tweeted, ‘Attorney-client privilege is dead!’ Well, it is for you, because it turns out paying $130,000 to shut up a porn star right before the election is a violation of campaign finance law, and knowingly lying to a bank about why you need the 130 grand is bank fraud, and attorney-client privilege doesn’t apply if they’re investigating a crime jointly undertaken by the attorney and the client,” Colbert said. He then went back to his Trump voice for an illustration of how bad Trump is at understanding what is and isn’t a protected interaction with your lawyer.

“‘Officer, officer, may I remind you — yes, we were robbing this bank — but may I remind you, the guy holding the pistol is my lawyer, Okay. I assume that clears things up. We’ll be on my way. because he’s charging me by the hour to do that.'”

You can watch Colbert’s monologue from Tuesday’s episode of “The Late Show” in the video embedded at the top of the post.

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