Colbert Rips Senate for Setting ‘Totally Artificial Deadline’ for Christine Blasey Ford’s Testimony

“The U.S. Senate’s known for two things: moving at lightning speed and not caring what abused women have to say about Supreme Court nominees,” Colbert says

Last Updated: September 21, 2018 @ 6:14 AM

The story that won’t go away this week — or, really, this month — is that of Donald Trump’s attempt to put another conservative judge on the Supreme Court, Brett Kavanaugh. And on Thursday’s episode of “The Late Show,” Stephen Colbert had some mean things to say about how badly the Republican-controlled Senate has been at handling the sexual assault allegation leveled at Kavanauh by Christine Blasey Ford.

“Kavanaugh’s confirmation has been thrown into turmoil since he was accused of sexual assault by Dr. Christine Blasey Ford,” Colbert said to lead off his monologue. “Dr. Ford is willing to testify, but she wants an FBI investigation first. That idea was shot down by Senate Judiciary Committee chairman and geriatric meerkat Chuck Grassley, who said it is not the FBI’s role to investigate a matter such as this.

“Of course not, it’s right there in their name: the Federal Bureau of ‘I don’t know what that last letter stands for.’ No one knows. But Grassley wants to assure her that someone’s on the case, writing, ‘I certainly understand and respect Dr. Ford’s desire for an investigation into her allegations. That is precisely what the Senate is doing.’ OK, maybe, but have you seen who’s on the Senate Judiciary Committee? I wouldn’t trust these geezers to investigate a restaurant menu.”

Colbert then played out a scenario in which, well, let’s just look at it:

Hypothetical Senator: “I would like a scoop of chicken salad served in half a cantaloupe.”

Person 2: “Sir, you’re speaking into a mailbox.”

Senator: “OK, tuna salad on a pineapple.”

Then Colbert moved on with other barbs and zingers.

“Grassley says it’s not appropriate for the FBI to investigate, and he’s insisting Blasey Ford must testify on Monday and has set 10 a.m. Friday as the deadline to hear back from her,” Colbert said. “Obviously got to, the U.S. Senate’s known for two things: moving at lightning speed and not caring what abused women have to say about Supreme Court nominees.”

After a joke about how the committee will drag Ford in and then not really let her speak anyway, Colbert summed up the point.

“Here’s the thing: they don’t actually need to hear testimony on Monday. It’s a totally artificial deadline they’re setting for themselves,” Colbert said. “It’s like when you say to your friend, ‘OK if we’re not married by the time we’re 30, we’ll meet up and confirm an accused sexual predator to the Supreme Court. A least we won’t be lonely.’ “

You can watch Colbert’s monologue from Thursday’s episode of “The Late Show” in the video embedded at the top of this post.