The Brett Kavanaugh news cycle is so powerful at this point that it’s even completely overshadowed a New York Times report that said Donald Trump committed massive tax fraud for years and years, so of course Stephen Colbert began “The Late Show” on Thursday with more discussion about the latest developments in the Kavanaugh situation.
He started by trying to figure out whether Kavanaugh would be confirmed, and after an extended sequence of pretending to punch numbers into a calculator concluded that, of course, every single Republican will vote to confirm. And then he went in on the FBI’s less-than-a-week-long investigation into the accusations of sexual misconduct against Kavanaugh.
“Before the FBI investigation, both sides were confused and angry. Now both sides are confused and furious,” Colbert said. “Last night, the White House released a statement saying the FBI had completed its report and that it represented an unprecedented look at a nominee. That statement was released around 2:30 a.m. 2:30 a.m. isn’t typically a time you release critical materials that exonerate a Supreme Court nominee. It’s typically when you release your drunkest tweets.”
Colbert did manage to slip in some jabs at Donald Trump as he was dissecting the situation.
“Only senators and very limited number of staff in the Senate are allowed to read it. And only at a Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility, or SCIF, in the Capitol visitor center, and just one physical copy of the report will be available,” Colbert said. “I would say they’re treating this report like the nuclear launch codes, but then I remembered they have given the launch codes to an idiot.”
Colbert then picked apart the report itself.
“Democrats say that the report is lacking in, ah, report,” Colbert joked. “For one thing, the sexual assaults that Kavanaugh is accused of both allegedly happened while he was hammered. And he said under oath that he was never a big drinker, but the White House admits that the FBI didn’t even investigate Kavanaugh’s drinking. What? That’s like investigating an arson and saying, ‘We’re not really looking into the fire part, we’re more wondering how this building disappeared. Was it wizards? Did they use mirrors? Haul in David Copperfield for questioning! What?! He’s disappeared?!’
“In total, 40 people came forward to say they had information, and the FBI interviewed nine people. A lot of potential witnesses offered to talk to the FBI, but the FBI evidently wasn’t interested.”
After a couple jokes about how the FBI missed out on all the juicy info Kavanaugh’s freshman year roommate could have offered up, Colbert delivered a hell of a zinger as the punchline to this thread.
“But Republicans seem satisfied. Maine’s Susan Collins says ‘It appears to be a very thorough investigation.’ No, it doesn’t,Susan, ” Colbert said. “They interviewed nine people over five days. I’ve had more thorough investigations to find my AirPods.”
You can watch Stephen Colbert’s full monologue from Thursday night’s episode of “The Late Show” in the video embedded at the top of this post.
Kathy Griffin's Biggest Feuds, From Donald Trump to Barbara Walters (Photos)
You don't get to the top of the D-list without picking a few fights first. Kathy Griffin is both adored and reviled for her outspokenness and provocative comedy. Along with her vocal dislike of President Trump -- as exemplified by an infamous photo of her posing with the likeness of his decapitated head -- she's had it out with many in the GOP and media. Here are some of the biggest feuds in which Griffin has engaged -- some of which date back to before the Trump incident.
In the wake of the Les Moonves sexual misconduct scandal at CBS, Griffin wrote a Twitter thread directed at Moonves' wife Julie Chen. Griffin said she would love to be a guest on Chen's show but changed her mind after hearing from her own acquaintances "how Julie has treated people." She then revealed she sent Chen a text saying, "F--- you and your misogynistic husband. You two deserve each other." Griffin went on to report she heard Moonves would not consider a woman to replace Craig Ferguson for "The Late Late Show" hosting gig.
Griffin gave a blunt response when she received an interview request from Tomi Lahren's people at Fox News. "Go f--- yourself." Griffin shared a screencap of an email she received from the right-wing firebrand's people and captioned it, "You and your network told me my career was over and that I was irrelevant. Now you want to interview me." Lahren responded in fashion, giving a taste at what would've surely been a fiery interview if it ever happened. "Thought maybe you'd like to discuss your Trump Derangement Syndrome on the most-watched cabe news network. Guess not! Have a nice day!"
Griffin fumed when she learned that Louis C.K. attempted to make his comeback by performing a brief stand-up set back in August. "You know how many talented women and POC comics are knocking on doors trying to get some time in front of audiences or powerful people in this business?" Griffin wrote in the first of five tweets. "And Louis just gets to glide back in on his own terms? Gosh, does it payoff to be in the boys club..the white boys club."
Getty Images
Donald Trump:
By far her most infamous feud, Griffin's career was put on pause when she posed in a photo and video holding the likeness of President Donald Trump's bloody, decapitated head. The fallout was swift, with Griffin losing her spot on CNN, among many other jobs. Griffin apologized, but later took back the apology in a rant condemning Trump's family on "The View." Trump appeared to continue the feud as Griffin said she'd been detained at every international airport she'd visited since posting the photo. "The shows were cancelled because the President of the United States and his family were offended by an image I released and decided to unleash an army on me," she said.
Griffin's face has appeared in numerous GOP campaign ads as a symbol of the liberal Hollywood resistance against Trump. NRATV, the National Rifle Association's media arm, used footage of Griffin to misleadingly suggest she had adopted Trump's "Build the Wall" policy on immigration. Griffin took notice and called the network "stupid and embarrassing."
Sarah Huckabee Sanders invoked Kathy Griffin's name when asked about the cancellation of "Roseanne" and the president's response to the news. "Where was the apology for Kathy Griffin going on a profane rant against the president on 'The View' after a photo showed her holding President Trump's decapitated head," Sanders said during a White House press briefing. Griffin pushed back hard. "B---, do not come for me. I did not call you," Griffin wrote in a tweet containing a snippet of the briefing that mentioned her. "And for f---'s sake, take a cold reading class, maybe you won't stumble so much."
The Donald isn't the only Trump who Griffin has feuded with. Griffin took a swipe at Melania Trump's #BeBest anti-bullying campaign when Melania called Griffin's decapitation photo "very disturbing." "#BeBest - When your husband is an erratic whack job who tweets crazy s--- and actually puts the country in danger and you take the time as First Lady to question a photo of a comic holding a halloween mask and ketchup."
Griffin has railed on Harvey Levin and TMZ on several occasions. In the wake of her decapitation photo fallout, she accused Levin of being in bed with Trump. "They have done hit pieces on me to the point where it's actually affected my career," she said. "Harvey Levin, have you ever done anything honorable, ever?" She also criticized the outlet for their coverage of how fellow comedian Lisa Lampanelli combatted a heckler at a show. TMZ referred to the incident as a "nuclear meltdown," and Griffin said this was indicative of how TMZ treated all women and people of color in their coverage.
Andy Cohen was tapped to replace Kathy Griffin in her CNN New Year's co-hosting gig, but the two also traded jabs in 2017. Cohen was Griffin's boss at Bravo while her show "My Life on the D-List" was on the air, and she's appeared on his talk show twice, but in an interview he repeatedly pretended he didn't know her. Griffin called him "deeply misogynistic" in response. She later escalated the feud by saying Cohen twice offered her cocaine before appearing on the show (Cohen denied it) and by sharing a text from someone who had been in a relationship with Cohen. Cohen "is a small guy, not just in height," the message read, taking a jab at his manhood.
Kathy Griffin and Joan Rivers were very close, even though they disagreed politically. But that mutual respect didn't transfer over between Griffin and Rivers's daughter Melissa. Griffin was chosen to replace Rivers on the E! show "Fashion Police" after her death, but then quickly departed. Melissa Rivers eventually responded by saying that Griffin had "s--- all over" her mother's legacy. "By calling the comedy and the style of it old-fashioned. It was like, I understand what you were doing, you’re trying to save yourself, but don’t crap all over my mother to do it,” Rivers said.
On "Seinfeld," Griffin played an up-and-coming comedian named Sally who got her big break by making fun of Jerry on stage. The two comics had another feud in real life, though it was all in good fun. Griffin said that after she had poked fun at Seinfeld in a routine, Seinfeld sent her a package and letter as a prank that she said gave her "instant diarrhea." "I mean, I made it to the bathroom, but just barely,” Griffin joked.
Griffin has been banned from several talk shows, but her most prominent would be a lifetime ban from "The View," which she once guest hosted. In her stand-up routine, Griffin joked that Howard Stern had wanted to have sex with host Barbara Walters, which led to her being barred from the show. "She will cut a b---," Griffin joked on Conan.
Getty Images
1 of 13
Comedian of ”My Life on the D-List“ has earned the ire of many in media and GOP
You don't get to the top of the D-list without picking a few fights first. Kathy Griffin is both adored and reviled for her outspokenness and provocative comedy. Along with her vocal dislike of President Trump -- as exemplified by an infamous photo of her posing with the likeness of his decapitated head -- she's had it out with many in the GOP and media. Here are some of the biggest feuds in which Griffin has engaged -- some of which date back to before the Trump incident.
Getty Images
