Colbert Slams FBI’s Kavanaugh Investigation: ‘I’ve Had More Thorough Investigations to Find My AirPods’ (Video)

Colbert is pretty sure Kavanaugh will be confirmed

Last Updated: October 4, 2018 @ 10:16 PM

The Brett Kavanaugh news cycle is so powerful at this point that it’s even completely overshadowed a New York Times report that said Donald Trump committed massive tax fraud for years and years, so of course Stephen Colbert began “The Late Show” on Thursday with more discussion about the latest developments in the Kavanaugh situation.

He started by trying to figure out whether Kavanaugh would be confirmed, and after an extended sequence of pretending to punch numbers into a calculator concluded that, of course, every single Republican will vote to confirm. And then he went in on the FBI’s less-than-a-week-long investigation into the accusations of sexual misconduct against Kavanaugh.

“Before the FBI investigation, both sides were confused and angry. Now both sides are confused and furious,” Colbert said. “Last night, the White House released a statement saying the FBI had completed its report and that it represented an unprecedented look at a nominee. That statement was released around 2:30 a.m. 2:30 a.m. isn’t typically a time you release critical materials that exonerate a Supreme Court nominee. It’s typically when you release your drunkest tweets.”

Colbert did manage to slip in some jabs at Donald Trump as he was dissecting the situation.

“Only senators and very limited number of staff in the Senate are allowed to read it. And only at a Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility, or SCIF, in the Capitol visitor center, and just one physical copy of the report will be available,” Colbert said. “I would say they’re treating this report like the nuclear launch codes, but then I remembered they have given the launch codes to an idiot.”

Colbert then picked apart the report itself.

“Democrats say that the report is lacking in, ah, report,” Colbert joked. “For one thing, the sexual assaults that Kavanaugh is accused of both allegedly happened while he was hammered. And he said under oath that he was never a big drinker, but the White House admits that the FBI didn’t even investigate Kavanaugh’s drinking. What? That’s like investigating an arson and saying, ‘We’re not really looking into the fire part, we’re more wondering how this building disappeared. Was it wizards? Did they use mirrors? Haul in David Copperfield for questioning! What?! He’s disappeared?!’

“In total, 40 people came forward to say they had information, and the FBI interviewed nine people. A lot of potential witnesses offered to talk to the FBI, but the FBI evidently wasn’t interested.”

After a couple jokes about how the FBI missed out on all the juicy info Kavanaugh’s freshman year roommate could have offered up, Colbert delivered a hell of a zinger as the punchline to this thread.

“But Republicans seem satisfied. Maine’s Susan Collins says ‘It appears to be a very thorough investigation.’ No, it doesn’t,Susan, ” Colbert said. “They interviewed nine people over five days. I’ve had more thorough investigations to find my AirPods.”

You can watch Stephen Colbert’s full monologue from Thursday night’s episode of “The Late Show” in the video embedded at the top of this post.