Donald Trump is in Europe right now doing Donald Trump things to U.S. allies, and Stephen Colbert spent the first part of his monologue on “The Late Show” Wednesday night hurling zingers at the president.
“It is the first full day of Donald Trump’s trip to Europe. He’s in Brussels for the NATO summit, and then it’s on to England, then he’s going to straight to hell,” Colbert said. Then he realized he’d left off a couple syllables. “I’m sorry, Helsinki. To meet with Vladimir Putin.”
After that “slip,” Colbert pointed out one subtle odd detail from video of the meeting.
“As The New York Times put it, ‘Mr. Trump kicked off his meetings on a contentious note.’ Contentious is his only note! He’s a human air horn,” Colbert said. “The bumpy ride started at a breakfast with NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg. Notice how Trump is the only one who already chugged his juice. ‘I’m making sure when I meet Putin I have a full bladder.’ “
Colbert attempted to continue on to wherever that joke was going, but gave up instead.
“That doesn’t make any sense. That makes no sense. That doesn’t make sense. Not even as a joke does that make sense,” Colbert said, before moving on. “Right off the bat, Trump directed his one note at one particular country.”
“The Late Show” then played the clip of Trump’s claim that “Germany is totally controlled by Russia” because they buy oil and gas from them. The irony of that claim is obvious, and Colbert went right at him over it with another Trump impression.
” ‘Germany is totally controlled by Russia and I’ll tell you who had sex with a porn star: Angela Merkel. She did. Oh, Angela loves to get spanked with a rolled up Der Spiegel. That is one sick fraulein,’ ” Colbert said.
“Trump claims Germany is controlled by Russia because 35 percent of their natural gas comes from Russia. It’s true, we’re all controlled by the people without giving us our gas which is why I’m forever beholden to the Chevron on route 3. When they invaded the Pizza Hut next door I said nothing. What could I do?”
Colbert then noted that it’s unsurprising that Trump acted oddly in this specific way because of a comment he said earlier in the week about how of all his upcoming stops that “frankly, Putin may be the easiest of them all. Who would think? Who would think?”
“I would think,” Colbert said. “Everyone would think.”
Then, Colbert noted that Trump’s apparent beholdenness to Russia has become so brazen that even people at Fox News are not only noticing, but complaining about it. “The Late Show” next played a clip of Fox News digital political editor Chris Stirewalt making a series of pretty harsh comments about what Trump is doing.
Stirewalt: “You will not stop Donald Trump from undermining NATO. You will not stop him from realigning U.S. foreign policy to be more favorable towards Russia. He is going to do it. He is going to fly into Brussels like a seagull is he going to defecate all over everything, squawk and fly away.”
After that, Colbert tried to do a little analysis of the situation.
“I just want to take a little time here to get real for a second. Okay, Jim, let’s go to real town,” Colbert said, at which point he turned to a different and closer camera to his right that the show often switches to for amusing asides during Colbert’s monologue.
“Look. If you like the president, you don’t like the president, it don’t matter. We all know what’s going on here. Trump is trying to weaken the EU and weaken NATO and break up the European Alliance, which is exactly what Russia wants. This is not a theory. This is happening in public. What we don’t know is why,” Colbert said, before suggesting three possibilities.
“Maybe he is sucking up to Putin to finally build that Trump Tower in Moscow. Maybe he wants to realign the global power structure, use Russia as an ally against an emerging China. Or maybe Putin has a tape of him in a hotel with two hookers going ‘Ahhh, daddy likes. I love it. I love it!’ All of that is open to debate — but it’s the last one.”
You can watch this portion of Colbert’s monologue on Wednesday’s episode of “The Late Show” in the video embedded at the top of this post.