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Colbert’s Version of ‘Harry Potter’ Reunion Stars a Messy, Gossipy Sorting Hat (Video)

If only this were in the actual ”Harry Potter“ anniversary show

Stephen Colbert kicked off Friday’s episode of “The Late Show” with a gag inspired by the upcoming “Harry Potter” reunion on HBO Max, and honestly we wish it wasn’t a joke. Basically, instead of being a delightful trip down memory lane with the film series’ stars, Colbert reimagined it as a gossipy tell all in which the magical sorting hat spills all the sleazy secrets that were somehow kept secret.

In case this is all news to you, HBO Max has put together a reunion special to celebrate the 20-year anniversary of the movie version of “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.” Featuring Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, and other esteemed cast members and filmmakers across all eight Harry Potter films, it will premiere on the streaming service Jan. 1.

So in the Colbert version of the special, the Sorting Hat — you know, the magical hat that tells Hogwarts students which of the school’s four houses they’ll be sorted into — is an actual actor, with a huge chip on its soldier and zero discretion.

“Dobby was an absolute horn dog. Wouldn’t leave Maggie Smith alone. Especially when cocaine was involved,” the Hat says in one scene.

“Lucius and Draco, those blond bitches? Let’s just say the Hedwig doesn’t match the wand,” the Hat says next.

Then we see outtakes where it turns out the Sorting Hat didn’t bother to learn its lines, so he keeps getting the name of the house the heroes belong to — Gryffindor — wrong in very amusing ways.

Watch the clip above and be sad that the actual reunion is very unlikely to contain scandalous revelations about the making of the hit series. Oh well.