Here’s What the Fine Print Says at the End of ‘Deadpool 2’ ‘Logan’ Short
The ‘Deadpool 2’ short shown ahead of ‘Logan’ ends with a big block of text that jokingly summarizes Ernest Hemingway’s novel ‘The Old Man and the Sea’
Audiences seeing “Logan” this weekend were treated to another little bit of superhero goodness ahead the movie: a short teasing “Deadpool 2.”
The short features Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds) attempting to stop a mugging. He rushes into a phone booth, Superman-style, to change into his costume. Unfortunately, the amount of time it takes to squeeze into Deadpool’s tight ninja-inspired costume means he misses the action, and the mugging victim is shot and killed.
The short ends with Deadpool mocking “Logan” star Hugh Jackman for his Australian accent while a block of fine print runs over a black screen.
But what does all that fast-moving fine print actually say? As it turns out, it’s a Deadpool-style summary of the Ernest Hemingway novel “The Old Man and the Sea.” That probably won’t be in “Deadpool 2,” but it does completely fit the voice of the Merc with the Mouth.
Here’s the text for your reading pleasure. Note that it contains not-safe-for-work language.
“The Old Man and the Sea” is the story of a fight between an elderly accomplished fisherman, Santiago, and a really big fish. Like… HUGE. The story opens with Santiago suffering eighty four days without catching a fish because he’s the unluckiest son of a bitch on planet earth. Honestly if you were in a boat for eighty four days, it’d be hard NOT to catch a fish… even by accident. Santiago was so unlucky that his apprentice, Manolin, was forbidden by his Ma and Pa to fish with him. But as The Fresh Prince used to say, “Parents Just Don’t Understand.”
So the boy visits Santiago’s shack anyway, ignoring the inherent risks of unsupervised playtime with an elderly man who talks to himself. Manolin helps out, moving Santiago’s fishing gear, making food and talking about baseball. Especially Joe DiMaggio, who used to bump fuzzies with Marilyn Monroe. The next day, Santiago tells Manolin that he’s going out into the Gulf Stream, WAY OUT north of Cuba. Lady lucky is returning!
On the eighty fifth day of his crappy luck, Santiago drops his lines, and by noon, gets a bite from what feels like a big ass fish. He’s sure it’s a winner. He fights and fights and fights but can’t pull the monster in. Santiago’s leaky old boat is pulled by the fish for two days and nights as he holds on for dear life. Even though he’s bloody and beat, Santiago begins to appreciate this mighty adversary. He starts calling him “brother” or maybe even, “bro.” It’s sort of a love story if you really think about it. And like most romantic comedies, the reader pictures a delightful outfit changing montage, followed by the inevitable interspecies wedding.
But on the third day, Santiago is freakin’ EXHAUSTED, and decides he just wants the fish to do what he says and not always swim wherever it wants. So he stabs it. With a f—ing harpoon. It’s a mess. Super gross. Blood everywhere. Because, like many men his age, Santiago has difficulty expressing his emotions and fears with words — instead giving into base desires — and imposing his gigantically terrible positions on any given subect through unblinking violence. Typical. Anyway, he straps the marlin to the side of his skiff and hit the road home, ready to act like a total show off to everyone and probably gouge people on the price.
But guess what? Pretty soon sharks begin to attack the bleeding marlin’s carcass, because as we all know, life is a tragic opera and just when you think you’ve finally found something good and true, sharks come along and rip it all to f—ing shreds while dry humping your dignity with their crazy weird shark dicks. Sure, Santiago tries killing a few of them, but drops his harpoon because his hands are just as old as he is. By nighttime, the sharks have pretty much eaten the entire marlin. Only a bleach white skeleton remains, silently mocking him in the murky darkness.
Santiago realizes he’s still unlucky. Really unlucky. (Duh!) He calls the sharks “dream killers.” Which isn’t really all that fair, I mean, the sharks were just doing their job and the marlin… Jesus, don’t even get me started on the marlin! It was just hanging out one day, minding its own business, maybe thinking about ways it could be a better provider for its family and WHAM! Harpoon in the brain. Who’s the “dream killer” now, f—face? The hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point. Eventually Santiago makes it ashore. Leaving the bones of the marlin and the boat, he hobbles to his shack. He makes it home and crashes, like I said — he’s super tired.
The next morning, a group of fishermen gather around Santiago’s boat. One measures the skeleton, and, holy shit shingles! It’s over 18 feet! The head of the fish is given to Pedrico (strange that this is the first mention of him) and the other fishermen ask Manolin to send their glad tidings to the old man. Manolin brings Santiago newspapers and coffee when he wakes and they decide to fish together again.
Many years later, there’s a Red Lobster Restaurant in nearly every city in America, offering a casual dining experience and convenient parking.
The Complete History of Wolverine in the 'X-Men' Movies, Including the Setup for 'Logan' (Photos)
The seemingly immortal Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) has been alive for a very long time. He's also gone through some seriously tragic stuff. But following the "X-Men" movie timeline and all the stuff that's happened to Logan isn't easy, especially since half of it got rewritten by time travel. Here's Wolverine's complete history, including time travel changes and the setup for "Logan."
Apocalypse is entombed in Ancient Egypt ("X-Men: Apocalypse") En Sabah Nur (aka Apocalypse), believed to be the first mutant, rules in Ancient Egypt. His people turn on him, though, and manage to bury him alive and kill his powerful mutant allies.
James Howlett is born in the 1800s ("X-Men Origins: Wolverine") Wolverine's mutant powers first manifest when he was a child, including his bone claws and his superhuman healing ability. After accidentally killing the groundskeeper on his family's estate, Thomas Logan (who is actually James' real dad), he flees with Victor, his half-brother who becomes Sabretooth.
James and Victor fight in American wars ("X-Men Origins: Wolverine") Being superpowered, tough to kill, and basically immortal, James and Victor float around America for about a century. They fight in the American Civil War, World War I, World War II and Vietnam. Their exploits get them noticed by William Stryker, the guy who will help create the persona known as The Wolverine. James starts calling himself Logan.
Logan survives the Nagasaki atomic bomb ("The Wolverine") 1945: Captured and held in a Japanese POW camp, Logan is on-hand when Nagasaki is bombed. A Japanese officer lets him out of the well he's being kept in, but Logan instead uses the well to save himself and the officer from the blast. The officer, Ichiro Yashida, spends the rest of his life grateful to Logan for his aid.
Xavier and Magneto try to recruit Logan ("X-Men: First Class") 1962: In a brief cameo moment, young Professor Charles Xavier and Eric Lehnsherr (soon to become Magneto) attempt to recruit Logan into the nascent X-Men team. Logan is ... not interested.
The X-Men fight Sebastian Shaw and his mutants ("X-Men: First Class") 1962: During the Cuban Missile Crisis, the evil Sebastian Shaw and his mutants attempt to start the next world war. The X-Men stop them, but Xavier is shot and paralyzed, and the "X-Men" mostly break up. As a result of the battle, some members of the government and military become aware that mutants exist, but not the general public.
Logan joins Team X ("X-Men Origins: Wolverine") In Vietnam, Col. William Stryker recruits Logan and Victor to join a mutant strike force called Team X. Victor takes to it and Wade Wilson, AKA Deadpool, is also part of the team. Logan eventually bails on the team. He's not a fan of their overly violent methods and disregard for humanity.
Bolivar Trask captures Mystique and starts the Sentinel program ("X-Men: Days of Future Past") 1973: During the Vietnam War, scientist and industrialist Bolivar Trask learns of mutants and dedicates himself to finding a way to destroy them. He captures Mystique and experiments on her, copying her shapeshifting powers for his robots. It'll be years before his Sentinel program comes to fruition.
Logan gets his indestructible adamantium skeleton ("X-Men Origins: Wolverine") Six years after Logan leaves Team X, he falls in love with a woman named Kayla Silvefox. But she turns out to be a plant by Stryker, and fakes her own death, framing Victor for the killing. That leads Logan back to Stryker to get revenge on his brother. Logan agrees to let Stryker coat his skeleton in adamantium so he can beat Victor, giving him his metal claws and nearly indestructible bones. His mutant healing superpowers allow him to survive the process.
Stryker gives Logan amnesia ("X-Men Origins: Wolverine") Logan escapes the Weapon X program, but heads to Stryker's base on Three Mile Island and fights the next generation, Weapon XI (a transformed Deadpool). Stryker escapes, but not before shooting Logan in the head with two adamantium bullets. The shots don't kill him, but they do cause Logan to lose his memory.
Logan joins the X-Men ("X-Men") Years later, Professor X recruits Logan to the X-Men after he's attacked by Magneto's Brotherhood of Mutants, including Sabretooth. They go on to stop Magneto from turning all humans into mutants. Logan falls in love with psychic team member Jean Grey, but she's already with Scott Summers, otherwise known as Cyclops.
Stryker attacks the X-Men Mansion ("X-2: X-Men United") Logan has rejoined the X-Men years later when Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters is attacked by Stryker and several students are kidnapped. The X-Men follow Stryker to his facility at Alkali Lake, where Logan kills Lady Deathstrike, a mutant with adamantium finger claws, and leaves Stryker to die. Jean Grey, who Logan has fallen in love with, sacrifices herself so the other X-Men can escape.
Jean becomes Phoenix and Logan kills her ("X-Men: The Last Stand") Jean Grey isn't dead after all and returns as the Phoenix, a super-powerful mutant personality who has been dormant inside Jean for years. Logan and the remaining X-Men fight off an army of mutants led by Magneto and defeat him. In the end, to save everyone from Jean's power, Logan has to kill her. It'll take him years to deal with the guilt.
Mutants gain rights ("X-Men: The Last Stand") In the aftermath of Magneto's defeat, mutants apparently become accepted by society. A mutant cure circulates that allows people to choose to become normal and many mutants take it. The effects apparently aren't permanent, however.
Logan goes to Japan ("The Wolverine") Still plagued by guilt and mourning the loss of Jean Grey, Logan lives off the grid. He's eventually found by Yukio, a mutant woman. She works for Ichiro Yashida, who Logan saved in 1945 in Nagasaki. Yashida is dying and offers to take Logan's healing powers, freeing him from his immortality. Logan refuses the offer and Yashida apparently dies.
Assassins attack Yashida's heir ("The Wolverine") Logan saves Yashida's daughter and heir, Mariko, from assassins, but loses some of his healing abilities when a mutant called Viper infects him with her venom. Eventually, Logan tracks the conspiracy back to Viper, where he's attacked by a not-dead Yashida. Logan and Yukio kill him after he saps some of Logan's healing ability in an attempt to steal it and make himself immortal.
The government uses Sentinels to round up mutants ("X-Men: Days of Future Past") Approx. 2024: In the not-too-distant future, Trask's Sentinel program is being used to wipe out mutants and humans who support them. The Sentinels possess Mystique's shapeshifting powers, which makes them almost indestructible. Professor X, Magneto and a handful of mutants use Kitty Pryde's power to project Logan's consciousness back in time to stop the Sentinel program in its infancy.
Logan travels back to the 1970s ("X-Men: Days of Future Past") 1973: Arriving back in his own body, Logan recruits Professor X, Magneto and Hank McCoy (otherwise known as Beast) to stop Mystique from trying to assassinate Trask. Her failed attempt in Saigon is the moment she's captured, so changing the event should stop the Sentinels in the future. The team saves Mystique, but Trask still gets hold of some of her DNA, and mutants are revealed to the public much earlier than in the original timeline.
Magneto tries to kill Mystique and Trask ("X-Men: Days of Future Past") 1973: Knowing the future, Magneto attempts to kill both Mystique and Trask to stop the Sentinel program. Mystique stops him, Xavier convinces her to spare Trask. President Nixon in turn is cancels the Sentinel program after Mystique saves him from Magneto, and Trask is arrested. A new timeline is created, rewriting everything that happens after 1973.
Stryker captures Logan ("X-Men: Days of Future Past") Alternate 1973: In the newly changed timeline, during the battle with Magneto, Logan is tossed into the Potomac. A young Stryker finds Logan and inducts him into the Weapon X program. The timeline of Logan's life is altered from what happens in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine."
Apocalypse wakes up in 1983 ("X-Men: Apocalypse") Alternate 1983: Cultist followers of Apocalypse find him buried in Egypt find and free him. This didn't happen in the original timeline, but perhaps occurs because of the reveal of mutants living among humans in 1973. He recruits new lieutenants in Storm, Psylocke, Angel and Magneto.
Stryker captures the young X-Men ("X-Men: Apocalypse") Professor X's school is destroyed when Apocalypse and pals attack and kidnap Xavier. In the aftermath, Stryker's forces show up and capture some of the X-Men. The students, including Jean Grey, Quicksilver and Scott Summers, otherwise known as Cyclops. In doing so, they free an adamantium-infused Logan, who is at this point the brainwashed Weapon X. Jean returns some of Logan's memories before he escapes into the wilderness.
The X-Men defeat Apocalypse with Magneto's help ("X-Men: Apocalypse") Mystique convinces Magneto to stop inverting the world's magnetic poles, and together with the young X-Men, they save Professor X and defeat Apocalypse. Meanwhile, at Stryker's Weapon X facility, a team of scientists from the Essex Corporation recover blood samples from Logan.
Deadpool and some X-Men beat up bad guys ("Deadpool") In the alternate 2010s, Wade Wilson was apparently never part of Team X. A bad dude called Ajax experiments on Wade, giving him mutant healing but leaving him disfigured. He becomes Deadpool and teams up with X-Men Colossus and Negasonic to go after Ajax and rescue his girlfriend.
Logan rejoins the X-Men at some point or another ("X-Men: Days of Future Past") The final scene of "Days of Future Past" shows Logan's consciousness returning to his body in alternate circa 2024 from 1973. He realizes he's changed a number of events in the original timeline, like saving Jean Grey and Scott Summers, who both died in "The Last Stand," and preventing the Sentinel apocalypse. He's the only one who remembers the old timeline, but he doesn't remember anything that happened since 1973.
Logan looks after a debilitated Professor X ("Logan") 2029: Logan works as a limo driver at the start of "Logan," earning money to buy medication for Professor X. Logan, aided by Caliban, takes care of Xavier, who suffers from seizures. Coupled with his incredibly powerful psychic abilities, Xavier's seizures can paralyze the people around him and even kill if he's not medicated.
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Here’s everything that happened before ”Logan,“ free of spoilers for the new movie
The seemingly immortal Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) has been alive for a very long time. He's also gone through some seriously tragic stuff. But following the "X-Men" movie timeline and all the stuff that's happened to Logan isn't easy, especially since half of it got rewritten by time travel. Here's Wolverine's complete history, including time travel changes and the setup for "Logan."
