(Spoiler alert. Don’t read this if you haven’t watched the June 19 “Game of Thrones” episode, “Battle of the Bastards.”
In the wake of #BastardBowl at Winterfell and the total domination of the Masters of Slaver’s Bay at Meereen, it’s easy to ooh and ahh over the incredible battle scenes, marvel at what had to be a ridiculous budget HBO spent making this episode happen — and forget why, in the end, it mostly worked out for the good guys.
The thing is that that it really shouldn’t have. Tyrion should be a pile of bones under a burning pile of rubble in Meereen after the bad deal he struck with the Masters earlier this season went sour. And Jon Snow should be just another body in the mountain of dead outside Winterfell.
But they’re not. The Masters were defeated, and the Boltons were wiped out. Because the women — Daenerys and Sansa — made it happen.
Against the advice of Missandei and Grey Worm — you know, the locals who know what’s going on — Tyrion had allowed the Masters of Yunkai and Astapor to bring back the practice of slavery, for a period of seven years. When that term was up, the Masters would have to go slaveless — the seven years was to allow them to figure out how they would rework their economy without relying on slave labor for everything.
It was a stupid thing to do, of course. Tyrion was dealing with the Masters like he would deal with Westerosi folks. He didn’t understand how bad of an idea that was. Last week, it looked like he might have to pay dearly for that mistake, when the Masters sailed their ships to Meereen and began bombarding it. Daenerys’ timely arrival at the end of the episode gave us hope that the situation would be resolved without everyone’s favorite character being added to the list of major character deaths.
This week, Dany flexed her muscle. She took her three dragons into battle and mauled the Masters’ ships. She left her lieutenants to strike a new deal with the the three head Masters: one of them must die, Tyrion says, and the remainder must submit. Two of them pushed forward the third, claiming he was lowborn and not worthy of the station the way they were. With a single slice, he cut those two Masters’ throats, leaving the supposed lowborn one — Daenerys’ real orders being to trick them into revealing which of the three were the most awful.
After the battle, Theon and Yara Greyjoy showed up with a hundred ships of the Iron Fleet, offering them to Daenerys. Tyrion stood there scoffing at Theon for making fun of him years before. At a time when a crucial deal was being offered, Tyrion did nothing but resurrect petty personal conflicts. After he finally shut up, Daenerys was able to make a deal with Yara — she gets to use the ships, and Yara will sit on the Salt Throne at Pyke after they take out dear uncle Euron. A deal made no thanks to Tyrion.
Back in Westeros, meanwhile, Jon Snow was trying as hard as he could to get himself and Sansa and everyone he knows murdered by Bolton forces. Sansa repeatedly told him they needed to wait for additional aid, and that their battle plans wouldn’t work because Ramsay was an excellent trickster who would do everything he could to trap them. Jon, as he did any time Sansa disagreed with him, loudly and impatiently mansplained that they should go ahead with the forces they have, and he would know that’s the right move because he’s a warrior and she isn’t.
Sansa was correct on all counts. With battle lines assembled, Ramsay released his hostage, Rickon Stark, and began firing arrows at him. Jon rode out to get Rickon, hoping to save him, but Ramsay shot Rickon through the heart just before they came together. There was Jon, by himself between the lines — and his forces abandoned their plan to have the Bolton forces come to them. Both sides met right where Jon stood, a wall of bodies slowly building on one side and Bolton men with shields and pikes surrounding Jon and his wildlings on the other three sides. Ramsay had trapped them, just as Sansa said.
It was a hopeless situation, salvaged only because of the aid Sansa had been waiting for: the knights of the Vale riding in to knock down the wall of Boltons, because of Sansa’s demand that Little Finger to send them. Maybe if Jon had been patient and actually heeded the advice of his sister, the battle would have been much easier. Maybe most of the wildlings wouldn’t have been killed. Maybe Rickon could have been saved. But no. Jon had to do it his way, and it almost cost them everything.
This is the new status quo of “Game of Thrones.” Brainless men have been ruining the world for thousands of years, and this season it’s been the women cleaning it up.
And it looks like it’s working out.
All through season 6, Sansa has been steadily climbing our rankings of every major “Game of Thrones” characters. Find out where she lands after the “Battle of the Bastards” below.
All 49 'Game of Thrones' Main Characters, Ranked Worst to Best (Photos)
"Game of Thrones" has a lot of characters, and too many to rank. So we're just going to focus on the 49 characters who are or were the most important, in our humble opinion. If you don't like our list, Littlefinger will poison your wedding cake. (Many spoilers, obviously.)
49. Viserys Targaryan
A total jackass, Viserys had maybe the best death in the whole series: having molten gold dumped on his head.
48. Rickon
Who? (I feel bad for this joke after season 6, but I'm going to leave it)
47. Robb Stark
The Red Wedding was a coming of age for viewers of the show. Rewatching those early seasons knowing that's gonna happen exposes Robb for the lame dude he really is.
46. Stannis
Basically a stodgy, moralistic Southern Baptist minister. I'm from Alabama, so I was pulling for him.
45. Bran Stark
Needs to work on his pouty face and grow out his hair if he wants to be the new Jon Snow.
44. Roose Bolton
He's like the Count Dooku of this show, acting like he's working for himself though he's really just a pawn who probably will get his head cut off by young Darth Vader.
43. Daario
Was a hot blond dude, but now (after a casting change) is just a regularly attractive brown-haired dude who was banished from Dany's bed because who cares about love anyway?
42. Ned Stark
The Mark Twain of the show, giving his kids a bunch of advice that wasn't actually useful before he got murdered. Wait, how did Mark Twain die? This analogy may not track all the way but whatever.
41. Joffrey
Oh man. Remember that time the cake was too dry and it made his eyes bug out and his face turn purple and he spit foamy red drool everywhere? Hilarious.
40. Shae
Did what she needed to survive, until it turned out doing what she needed to do to survive (hooking up with Tywin Lannister) got her killed.
39. Tommen
Not the most decisive king, either before or after he had sex. But he's better than Joffrey, I guess.
38. Khal Drogo
Got fridged for the sake of Daenerys' character arc. Beautiful.
37. Gendry
Melisandre put a leech on his penis one time. It feels like that's all I should put here.
36. Theon
I'm still pulling for his post-castration power play. Or for him to just get killed already.
35. Jorah Mormont
Really sad because he still can't afford to buy Khaleesi's love.
34. King Robert
Probably the most chill and carefree character on the show, drunk most of the time, yelling a lot even though he really didn't have any problems. Well, until that time he drank too much and got killed by a boar.
33. Ramsey Bolton
Is Ramsey the most demented dude on this show? Well, he's definitely the funniest demented dude, which isn't actually funny at all when you think about it.
32. Catelyn Stark
Loses to the Lannisters both in the Game of Thrones and the Game of Angsty Overprotective Moms.
31. Talisa Stark
Every joke that comes to mind is far too reprehensible even for a "Game of Thrones" list, so I'm not going to put one here.
30. Sam
A huge nerd who predictably finds love in a house of somebody else's daughter-wives.
29. Lord Commander Mormont
Died because Sam found love in a house of somebody else's daughter-wives.
28. Ygritte
A marksman with a bow, loved Jon Snow, killed by a child. She was basically an audience surrogate.
27. Gilly
Doesn't know anything except for all the stuff Sam doesn't know how to do. Which is most things.
26. The High Sparrow
He tried pulling a huge awesome gambit, but ultimately he was not prepared for the Game as well as he thought, judging by how hard Cersei outplayed him.
25. Red Viper
His irascible lust distracted him from delivering the killing blow against the Mountain. He would be much, much higher on this list were it not for that glaring oversight.
24. The Hound
Killed the butcher's boy, then spent several seasons saying lots of mean things before being left to die on a rock. If his redemption arc goes well he might get a bump.
23. Jaime Lannister
Can I make a joke about masturbating with your off hand? There's nothing in our style guide about that. Anyway, where's the scene where Jaime learned how to do that?
22. Jaqen H'ghar
Speaks in riddles, has many faces (and many bodies), and set Arya on the path to losing her eyesight even though he would have been burned alive if she hadn't saved him. What a clown.
21. Tywin Lannister
Was killed by his hated dwarf son. Exactly what he deserved, though I secretly hoped he would at some point just be nice to his kids.
20. Ellaria Sand
Committed one of the greatest and most upsetting murders on the whole show.
19. Tormund Giantsbane
Has a great name, murder in his heart and a huge beautiful red beard. Also he was in "Fate of the Furious," the latest movie in my favorite film franchise. What's not to like?
18. Jon Snow
Well, he's dead. King of the dead ones. Definitely not coming back ever. No longer dead. Murdered a particularly irritating character. Could stand to be less nice, though.
17. Euron Greyjoy
We can't help but appreciate the (no pun intended) joy with which Euron enacts his villainy. "I AM THE STORM!" Hahaha.
16. Hodor
Shoulda been named "Meme." (Another joke I feel about bad about after season 6. I moved him way up in compensation.)
15. Margaery Tyrell
Delightfully passive-aggressive toward Cersei all the time. Sure, she was killed horribly by Cersei because she made a classic "Game of Thrones" miscalculation -- and I really should bump her down for that -- but, nah, she was too much fun.
14. Brienne
Tall, kills a lot of men, is single and celibate, takes no crap from anyone and doesn't play the game. A perfect counter to basically everything else on "Game of Thrones."
13. Tyrion Lannister
Thinks with his penis. Which is okay because his penis is so smart.
12. Varys
Slightly smarter than Tyrion because he doesn't have a penis.
11. Melisandre
Lots of people think of Melisandre as the "sexy" main character, but she's actually the "terrifying" main character. Remember that time she burned a child alive? That sucked. Now she suffers for it, finally, but she'll probably be back to do something amazing. Still waiting, though.
10. Missandei
"All men must die. But we are not men." Any questions?
9. Davos Seaworth
Easily the MVP of season 7.
8. Littlefinger
Probably the smartest character on the show, but uses all that brainpower for evil. So he's great, is what I'm saying.
7. Daenerys
Commits most of the best murders on the show, thanks to those dragons and her invulnerability to fire. and they're usually justified. Big bonus points for that.
6. Arya Stark
Never underestimate this faceless woman.
5. Olenna Tyrell
Makes a great joke about useless genitals, and constantly talks smack about everyone. And she got the absolute last word in her death scene. My dream woman.
4. Sansa Stark
A lot of viewers still underestimate here even now in season 7, thinking she's playing right into Littlefinger's hand rather than having her own plan for dealing with his machinations. Ludicrous.
3. Bronn
Enters the show in the most "Game of Thrones" way possible: by stepping out of the background of a scene to kill a guy for Tyrion.
2. Grey Worm
Just the best. Sad because his life sucks. Badass who kills a lot of his problems. Communicates a lot without saying much. Grey Worm seems like the kind of tragic "Game of Thrones" character who is going to have a brief moment of triumph before getting slaughtered. I hope that triumph is really good.
1. Cersei
Yeah, she's a terrible person, but she's the product of a terrible father and terrible environment. Through season 7, though, she's been better than everyone else at playing the game, even though every move she's made has had some kind of awful unintentional consequence for people she cares about. We'll see if she can maintain this spot as the endgame approaches, however.
1 of 50
We judge all the characters who matter (or mattered)
"Game of Thrones" has a lot of characters, and too many to rank. So we're just going to focus on the 49 characters who are or were the most important, in our humble opinion. If you don't like our list, Littlefinger will poison your wedding cake. (Many spoilers, obviously.)
