Ricky Gervais returned to the Beverly Hilton to host the 77th Golden Globe Awards on Sunday with his trademark take-no-prisoners approach.
Gervais’ opening monologue spared none of the celebrities in the room, roasting everything from Felicity Huffman’s recent jail sentence to the cast of “Cats.”
This year’s monologue was a stark left turn from the self-consciously nice approach taken by last year’s hosting duo, “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” star Andy Samberg and “Killing Eve’s” Sandra Oh, but it was a return to form for the Globes, which has favored Gervais’ acerbic style four times in the past.
Gervais has sworn that this year would be his last time as host, but did he go out on a high note? Here are some of this best jokes.
1. “You’ll be pleased to know this is the last time I’m hosting these awards, so I don’t care anymore. I’m joking, I never did. NBC clearly don’t care either. Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars because of some offensive tweets. Hello? Lucky for me, the Hollywood Foreign Press barely speak English. They have no idea what Twitter is.”
2. “Let’s go out with a bang, let’s have a laugh. Remember, they’re just jokes, we’re all going to die soon and there’s no sequel.”
3. “I came here in a limo tonight and the license place was made by Felicity Huffman. No, it’s her daughter that I feel sorry for. That must be the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to her, and her dad was in Wild Hogs.”
4. “Lots of big celebrities here tonight. I mean, legends, icons. This table alone: Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Baby Yoda. Oh no, that’s Joe Pesci. I love you, man. Don’t have me whacked.”
5. “But tonight isn’t just about the people in front of the camera. In this room are some of the most important film and tv executives in the world. People from every background, but they all have one thing in common. They’re all terrified of Ronan Farrow. He’s coming for you.”
6. “Many talented people of color were snubbed in major categories. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about that because the Hollywood Foreign Press are all very, very racist.”
7. “We were going to do an In Memoriam tonight but when I saw the list, it wasn’t diverse enough. It was mostly white people and I thought nah, not on my watch.”
8. “No one cares about movies anymore, no one goes to the cinema. Everyone’s watching Netflix. This show should just be me coming out going, ‘Well done, Netflix, you won. Everything.'”
9. “You could binge watch the entire first season of ‘Afterlife’ instead of watching this show. That’s a show about a man who wants to kill himself because his wife dies of cancer, and it’s still more fun than this.”
10. “Spoiler alert, Season 2 is on the way, so in the end he obviously didn’t kill himself. Just like Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up. I know he’s your friend, but I don’t care.”
11. “Martin Scorsese, the greatest living director, made the news for his controversial comments about the Marvel franchise. He said they’re not real cinema and they remind him of theme parks. I agree, although I don’t know what he’s doing hanging around theme parks. He’s not big enough to go on the rides, is he?”
12. “The Irishman was amazing … It wasn’t the only epic movie. ‘Once Upon a Time in Hollywood’ was nearly three hours long. Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere and by the end his date was too old for him.”
13. “The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy. He was also in the movie ‘Cats.’ But no one saw that. and the reviews? Shocking. I saw one that said this is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs.”
14. “Dame Judi Dench defended the film, saying it was the role she was born to play because she –” at this point Gervais giggled to himself — I can’t do this next joke. Because she loves nothing better than plunking her ass down on the carpet, lifting her legs and licking her own m-nge. She’s old school.”
15. “Apple roared into the TV game with ‘The Morning Show,’ a superb drama about the importance of dignity and doing the right thing, made by a company that runs sweatshops in China.”
16. “The companies you work for, unbelievable. Apple, Amazon, Disney. If ISIS starting a streaming service, you’d call your agent, wouldn’t you?”
17. “So if you do win an award tonight, don’t use your platform to make a political speech. You’re in no position to lecture the public about anything. You know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg. So if you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent and your god and f— off.”
Watch the full monologue above.