Jimmy Kimmel covered quite a few topics during his monologue on Thursday’s episode of “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” which included some all new jokes at the expense of ex-president Donald Trump. Specifically, Kimmel made a joke about the alleged smallness of Trump’s genitals.
But Kimmel also took a dig at himself and the controversy this week about the overlong Emmys gag he did on Monday that people said upstaged “Abbott Elementary” creator Quinta Brunson’s historic Emmy win.
Now by now there’s no way you don’t know what the previous graf is talking about, but for the 1.0% of you who haven’t paid attention to Hollywood stuff this week, go here and get caught up.
Ok so first, Kimmel talked about the period of national mourning in the United Kingdom following the death of Queen Elizabeth. Kimmel singled out one particularly weird moment, when one of the guards assigned to stand by Elizabeth’s coffin fainted.
“By the way, I tried that bit at the Emmys, it doesn’t work,” Kimmel joked after showing the footage. Then get got into the Trump stuff.
“His MAGAsty, Donald Jacqueline Trump, now finds himself at the center of multiple ongoing investigations. There are five different probes penetrating Trump’s underbelly right now, and those are just the ones we know about right now,” he said.
“The Dept. of Justice, the FBI, the Fulton County District Attorney, the Manhattan District Attorney, and the New York State Attorney general are all closing in on Trump. Even his lawyers have had to hire lawyers at this point.
Some MAGA faithful are worried that Trump’s legal problems could hurt Republicans in midterms – not to mention his own prospects in 2024,” Kimmel continued.
“And this probably doesn’t help. There is yet another tell-all book on the way, this one from reporters at the New Yorker and CNN. It’s called ‘The Divider: Trump in the White House.’ Some fun stuff in this one,” Kimmel said.
“One of the tidbits says Melania was very upset with her husband over the way he was handling the pandemic. She told him ‘You’re blowing this.’ And Trump was like, ‘Well, you didn’t exactly nail it with the Christmas decorations okay,’” Kimmel explained.
“She also said, ‘It’s going to be really bad, and you need to take it more seriously than you’re taking it.’ Which coincidentally, that’s what all of Melania’s friends told her about marrying him,” Kimmel joked.
“We also learn from this book that — I don’t know if you remember this — remember when Trump looked into buying Greenland? Well, he was serious about that,” Kimmel said, teeing up his joke about Trump’s penis.
“His aides kept bringing him more realistic options, like increasing military presence in the area to keep Russia in check, and Trump said, ‘What part of ‘I want to buy Greenland? are you not understanding?’ Um – I don’t know. All of it, I guess?” Kimmel went on.
“And, of course, because he cannot contain his narcissism for even a minute, Trump did an interview for this book. He also proposed trading Puerto Rico to Denmark for Greenland. We would do a swap like it was Fantasy Football or something,” said Kimmel.
“You know a lot of attention is paid to how dangerous and impulsive and vain Trump is – but we sometimes forget, also very stupid. Also not very bright. They say during one meeting he saw Greenland on a map and said ‘Look at the size of this. It’s massive,’” which gets to the joke we mentioned:
“It’s always about size with this guy. Honestly, the course of American history – it could be totally different if he had only been born with an adult-sized penis.”
Watch the whole monologue above.