Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” had a very special guest, Bigfoot, who showed up to beg adherents of the dangerous QAnon conspiracy theory cult to turn their attention back to old-school fringe weirdness like UFOs or, yes, Bigfoot.
The bit was set up by Kimmel in his opening monologue, when he started talking about how weird it is that QAnon doesn’t seem to have any interest in UFOs.
“You know, ever since Pentagon and military officials went public with their thoughts on UFOs, or UAPs, as they now call them,” Kimmel said. “Ever since that big ’60 Minutes’ story a week or two back, many people, including members of Congress, have been taking this very seriously — more so than ever before. But the QAnon crowd, of all people, is not buying it.”
“The QAnuts have a theory, which is that all this talk of UFOs is a deep state conspiracy to distract us from voter fraud and the truth about the ‘scamdemic,'” Kimmel continued. (This is apparently true, by the way.) “‘Too crazy to believe in UFOs’ is a new level of crazy, by the way. And they’re not just skeptical, that’s the thing. They’re convinced. They are absolutely sure this is a distraction.”
This absolute certainty, Kimmel said, is a sign that these people aren’t rational. But, he conceded, “All the conspiracy theories about vaccines, election fraud, climate denial, pedophile rings, the reason people believe in them is because reality is boring. It’s more interesting to be part of a group that cracks a big conspiracy like this. You have a community, you have a sense of purpose, you’ve got an enemy to rally against, it’s literally a no-brainer.”
And that’s when Bigfoot — OK, an actor in a Bigfoot costume — came out and begged to speak. Permission granted, here’s what “Bigfoot” said:
“For many years you people have been searching for me, and I felt like it was finally time to reveal myself. Because honestly, I miss you. Remember when you used to stay up all night burning the midnight meth, scouring logging maps, trying to find me? Or listening to homemade scanners desperately hoping to pick up signs of other unexplaineds, like Bigfoot or sasquatch or UFOs or chupacabra?”
“Remember how you used to go around telling people that you had your butts probed by aliens, as if that was something to be proud of? Well now we have credible evidence of unexplained objects flying around the sky, and suddenly you’re not interested anymore?”
“What happened to you? What happened to us? Where are my crazy people at? You used to believe everything you overheard at a fireworks stand. Now you’re about Pfizer? The same people who make your boner pills? You think they’re tracking you? So what if they are tracking you? Welcome to my f—ing world.”
“Look, I’m not trying to say that I should be the center of your world. I’m just a hideous, 11-foot-tall forest monster with poop caked in his fur, standing in front of a group of radicalized weirdos, asking you to stalk me,” he concluded.
See the whole bit with Kimmel and “Bigfoot” up top.