After 2 years, Jimmy Kimmel finally got to make some jokes about Donald Trump. Wait, hold on, we mean, because the jokes in question were about something none of us knew about until now.
So, y’all remember how back in November, 2019, Donald Trump took a mysterious, unannounced, rushed trip to Walter Reed hospital and then claimed it was just a routine annual physical. But things being what they were, no one believed him. Ever since there’s been a lot of speculation about what it could have been.
According to Stephanie Grisham, former chief of staff to Melania Trump and Trump’s ex-press secretary, the whole thing was actually more ‘extremely stupid’ than ‘extremely dangerous.’ In her new book about her time working for the Trumps, “I’ll Take Your Questions Now,” Grisham says that what happened is that Trump needed to get a colonoscopy. But because he was afraid of being made fun of on late night shows, he kept the whole thing a secret. And because he didn’t want to hand temporary control of the country over to Vice President Mike Pence, he also did the whole thing without anesthesia.
So back to Kimmel, who laid all of that out for his studio audience during his Tuesday night monologue, and made sure to call out Grisham and other Trump officials for not telling details about Trump at the time, and instead holding it back to cash in on a book deal.
He also said: “It gives me a lot of satisfaction, as a late night talk show host, to know that he opted to stay awake while they augered his innards with a sewer snake, specifically because he didn’t want us making fun of him.”
But, Kimmel continued, “I also feel cheated. Because when a president, especially this president, gets a colonoscopy, it is my duty, that’s right, duty, to make jokes about it.”
And so, he delivered a few jokes he said he is “contractually and ethically obligated to deliver to you.” We’ll detail them below, verbatim. Not that each one ended with a drum roll just like an old time late night comedy show.
“President went to Walter Reed for a colonoscopy today. It took a while because the doctor kept accidentally sticking the camera in his mouth.”
“You know- As soon as they switched the camera on, Trump turned around and said ‘Hey doc, how are the ratings?'”
“The President’s doctor decided to schedule this procedure after the White House toilet killed itself.”
“It was a good thing Trump had this done because they found two cancerous polyps- were removed immediately.” (This was accompanied by a photo of Don Jr and Eric Trump.)
“The doctors said the hardest thing about giving Trump a colonoscopy was getting the camera around Mike Pence’s nose.”
“But Trump thought it went great. Overall, he got a perfect report. Afterwards, the whole medical team kept saying, ‘Wow – what an unbelievable asshole!'”
After finishing the bit, Kimmel said “You know what? He gave us a colonoscopy for like 4-years, it’s about time we give it back to him.”
Watch the whole monologue above. Kimmel talks the Trump stuff at the start.