On Wednesday Jimmy Kimmel pulled off a seemingly impossible feet and figured out a positive use of Donald Trump’s annoying and occasionally frightening habit of constant, constant tweeting: Debunking absurd conspiracy theory b.s.
The b.s. in this instance was a ridiculous story out of Israel in which a former Israeli space official claimed that not only are aliens real, but the U.S. government has been secretly talking to them.
“You know, the holidays can be a lonely time without being confined to your homes, so it’s important to know that you are not alone. And we are not alone, in the universe,” Kimmel said to start off this thread during his “Jimmy Kimmel Live” monologue Wednesday night.
“At least according to Israel’s former head of space security, who is claiming in a new book that alien beings from outer space have been in contact with the U.S. and Israeli governments for years. Haim Eshed is a retired general and a well-respected professor in Israel, or at least he was before he said this.
“He claims that these extraterrestrial beings come in peace. He says they’re curious about humanity and they are seeking to understand both ‘the fabric of the universe,’ and cotton, the fabric of our lives. Eshed claims the President knows about this and was about to spill the beans, but was asked not to in order to prevent mass hysteria.”
Kimmel, however, is skeptical of this idea, for a few reasons.
The last thing Donald Trump would ever want to create is mass hysteria,” Kimmel quipped dryly. “I don’t know. If this was true, Trump definitely would have talked about it. Or at the very least he would have done that thing where he dances around it because he’s dying to brag that he knows something that we don’t.”
Kimmel then gave us an example of how Trump would handle this topic during a press briefing.
“‘Do I know about aliens? Nobody knows more about aliens than me. Does that mean I’ve seen them? Who knows? We’ll be making a very big announcement very soon, believe me.'”
Kimmel continued: “I’m more likely to believe that there are aliens among us than I am to believe Donald Trump kept quiet about it. He’d be firing off tweets like phaser guns!”
Some examples of fake tweets that the “Jimmy Kimmel Live” writing staff imagined Trump might post.
“The Galactic Federation is a total disaster!”
“No one has been tougher on Planet Zeldar than your favorite President (ME!)”
“I am hereby calling for a full and total ban on illegal space aliens from entering the country until we can figure out what the hell is going on! THANK YOU”
On the other hand, Kimmel did considering the other option: that Trump really did manage to keep something a secret.
“But maybe it’s true, I don’t know. Maybe this is the one secret, other than Stormy Daniels, Donald Trump kept,” Kimmel said.
“Maybe it goes even deeper. Here’s a thought. Not only does Trump know about the aliens — to protect the world, he married off his daughter to one! Organism B389, AKA the Jared Project.
Kimmel couldn’t let Don Jr off without a mention, though.
“And he’s marrying his third favorite son off to one too!” Kimmel joked, as the show played a video of Don Jr’s girlfriend, Kimberly Guilfoyle, screaming out her speech at this summer’s Republican National Convention.
You can watch the monologue from Wednesday’s episode of “Jimmy Kimmel Live” in the video embedded up at the top of this article.