MTV’s new series “Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club” strands a bunch of hard bodies in Greece, throws them all in a house together and tasks them with a job that basically amounts to drinking and partying. The results are predictably sloppy.
In a similar spirit to that of Bravo’s “Vanderpump Rules,” “Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club” is ostensibly about a group of hot young employees trying to make a name for themselves under their semi-famous boss. The cast, a group of American party promoters, bartenders, hosts and waitresses, are all enlisted to serve as “VIP hosts” at Lohan’s Mykonos club, where they’re tasked with selling a good time to a bunch of vacationers.
But also like Bravo’s hit “Housewives” spinoff, “Beach Club” is much more interested in the dumb things its stars do and say than their actual abilities to do their job. And lucky for us, this show encourages its cast to do and say a lot of dumb things.
Like, for instance, when the hosts are introduced to Lohan, their boss, on their first night in Mykonos, Greece. Literally, in the middle of the night. Lohan surprises the hosts — who are, again, her employees — at their home after they’ve all had what was surely more than their fair share to drink and jumped half-naked into the pool.
And it only gets worse from there, as the hosts try to one-up each other in the eyes of Lohan and her mononymously identified “business partner” Panos.
Here are just a few of the messiest, silliest, most embarrassingly melodramatic moments from the “Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club” series premiere:
1. The cast introductions
The show wastes no time making endearing fools out of its cast, cherry-picking some of their most outrageous soundbites for their introductions.
Given that the show is premised on these people trying to make careers in the hospitality-nightlife space, they all frame themselves as serious people who take their jobs very seriously. “Celebrities come in, they want to talk about their problems. You’re essentially a therapist for these people,” says Hollywood bartender Billy Estevez, who is, to be clear, a therapist for absolutely no one.
But again, drama and pettiness are far more interesting than professional development, so that is essentially Billy’s only spoken line in the entire episode.
Mike Mulderrig, the bisexual nightclub host from Los Angeles, takes a different approach and fares slightly better by boasting that he’s “woken up in celebrities’ beds before” (congrats?), while the young, D.C.-based bartender Gabi Andrews — who walks away with much of the episode’s runtime — proudly proclaims, “This is my time for my ho phase and I’m fully embracing it.”
But none of these dummies could hold a candle to…
2. Just about everything Brent said or did.
Las Vegas party promoter Brent Marks certainly looks the part, but it’s his attitude and demeanor that really sells it. It’s the same reason he dominated the premiere’s storylines and will likely do the same with the rest of the season.
“My friends back home call me a waitress slayer. I’ve been let go from a job because I was sleeping with all the waitresses,” he says at one point in the episode before later going on to admonish Gabi for behaving unprofessionally.
3. “It’s like me going to meet Steven Spielberg in a bra.”
Gabi should be ashamed that her first meeting with Lohan came while she was dripping wet, wearing a bra. And Lohan, probably with some producer influence, definitely went out of her way to shame Gabi for it. “I want to build an empire here. This is not ‘Girls Gone Wild,'” she says.
Never mind the fact that Gabi was set up to be ambushed by Lohan at her place of residence in the middle of the night and pulled out of the pool for a meeting without given an opportunity to get dressed.
Also, is Steven Spielberg taking meetings with Lindsay Lohan?
4. Poor Gabi is forced to dye her hair pink because the DJ already has blue hair.
22-year-old Gabi is clearly in over her head, but she’s just so dang happy to be there and given the chance to prove herself. So when Panos and Lohan say, “Dye your hair pink,” she just says, “How high?”
“Gabi has blue hair. We have an issue with this,” Panos explains, deadly serious, in one of the show’s many, many interview segments. “Our DJ has blue hair as well. We can’t have two people with blue hair.”
So Gabi does it! She bleaches her hair in the backyard and dyes it the brightest shade of pink you’ve ever seen. “It looks better,” Panos says, unconvincing. “I need to get used to it, but I like it,” she replies, somehow even less convincing.
All this after Gabi fell into the producer trap of getting drunk and sloppy just in time to embarrass herself on camera, in front of the entire cast. Rookie mistake, but damn it if that didn’t make Gabi even more eager to go the extra mile.
5. Jonitta and Brent bring the drama.
The first big confrontation of the season comes at the tail end of the premiere, when Jonitta calls Brent out for “entertaining” a VIP guest by getting frisky in the cabana and making out on the beach instead of encouraging her to spend more money at the club.
“What was she buying in the ocean?” she asks.
“If it was a guy, you’d be all over his dick … [but] for God’s sake it’s a girl that has actual money for once,” he replies, attempting to flip her very good argument about double standards in hospitality back on her, but too drunk to make a coherent point. “Boom. Mic drop.”
Luckily for Brent, though, there are no bonus points for coherence on “Beach Club.” The next day, Panos gathers the hosts and applauds Brent for what any reasonable boss would otherwise characterize as wildly unprofessional behavior. And, sure enough, Jonitta’s point proves prescient when she’s the one admonished for “partying” too much with the club clientele.
“As far as MVP, I definitely feel I crushed,” Brent later says. “I mean, I crush every day.”
“Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club” airs Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET on MTV.