Stephen Colbert offered a swift response to President Trump’s assertion in Davos, Switzerland Wednesday that “sometimes you need a dictator,” telling America’s commander-in-chief, “Nope!”
“No one ever ‘needs a dictator,’” Colbert added, in firm agreement with the groans from his “Late Show” studio audience. To further prove his point, the host told Trump, “There’s a reason you never see ads that say, ‘Anybody want a hemorrhoid?’” Colbert also mocked Trump for confirming that his “brain real broke” during his speech at the World Economic Forum in Davos by mixing up Greenland, the territory he wants the U.S. to take over, and Iceland.
“Dear Lord, he’s on an imperial conquest and he can’t even remember what he wants to conquer!” Colbert remarked. The “Late Show” host went on to roll several clips of Greenland citizens protesting Trump’s plan and proclaiming that they have no interest in joining America.
“Okay, I get why you’re angry. But before you say you’re not interested in being American, have you heard about the new Applebee’s O-M-Cheese Burger?” Colbert responded. “What if your cheeseburger was sliced in half in a factory accident, then started drowning in a shallow pool of cheese and the only way to save it was mouth-to-mouth yum-susitation?”
“I tell you folks,” Colbert added at the end of his pitch, “I’m going to miss this country.” You can watch his full Wednesday night “Late Show” monologue yourself below.
Colbert also thanked his in-studio audience members Wednesday for braving New York City’s plummeting temperatures to join him. “A huge swath of the country is now under an Arctic air mass,” Colbert reported, noting, “So, for the record, Greenland attacked first. They had it coming! You want a piece of us? Because we want a piece of you.”
“Temperatures in Minneapolis are expected to plunge to around 0 degrees, which could hinder the Trump administration’s continuing immigration crackdown,” Colbert added, before trying to quiet his audience’s ensuing cheers. “I understand the feeling, everybody. I understand those ICE agents are doing terrible things up there, but they are human beings. So hopefully, and I mean this with respect … I hope their dongs freeze and snap off, like a graham cracker.”
Colbert later informed his “Late Show” viewers that Canada has reportedly begun preparing for a possible U.S. invasion. “Nooo!” he whined in response. “Canada was supposed to be our escape from all this! What’s he going to invade next? ‘Heated Rivalry’ and a weed gummy before bed?”
“This is all so bizarre,” Colbert ultimately concluded. “Our countries haven’t been in armed conflict against each other since the War of 1812, which ended with the British defending Canada by destroying the White House, which you’ll never be able to do this time, Canada … because we beat you to it.”
