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Oscars: Best Jokes From Jimmy Kimmel’s Opening Monologue

Academy Awards host avoids dwelling on last year’s Best Picture flub and #MeToo movement

Last Updated: March 4, 2018 @ 5:33 PM

Jimmy Kimmel opened the 90th Oscars telecast on Sunday by addressing last year’s Best Picture flub.

But the host didn’t spend much of his monologue dwelling on the subject, instead opting for a more traditional set of jokes poking fun at the movies nominated and the stars in attendance.

Kimmel also touched on the recent wave of sexual harassment and assault scandals to hit Hollywood, acknowledging the absence of Harvey Weinstein from Sunday’s affair.

Here are some of the Kimmel’s best jokes from his opening monologue:

“This year when you hear your name called, don’t get up right away.”

“This is a special year. This is a big one. These are the 90th Academy Awards. This is history happening right here. Oscar is 90 years old, which means he’s probably at home right now watching Fox News.”

“After all the awards given for achievements in show business over the years, Oscar is still number one. Oscar is the most beloved and respected man in Hollywood and there’s a reason why. Just look at him. Keeps his hands where you can see them. Never says a rude word. And most importantly, no penis at all. He is literally a statue of limitations.”

“Here’s how clueless Hollywood is about women. We made a movie called ‘What Women Want’ and it starred Mel Gibson.”

“The Academy took action last year to expel Harvey Weinstein from their ranks. There were a lot of great nominees, but Harvey deserved it the most.”

“We can’t let bad behavior slide anymore. The world is watching us. We need to set an example, and the truth is, if we work together to stop sexual harassment in the workplace — if we can do that, women will only have to deal with harassment all the time everywhere else they go.”

“This is a night for positivity, and our plan is to shine a light on a group of outstanding and inspiring films, each and every one of which got crushed by ‘Black Panther’ this weekend. The success of ‘Black Panther’ is one of many positive stories this year, especially for African Americans and Bob Iger.”

“So many of tonight’s nominees are making history. And if you are a nominee tonight and you aren’t making history, shame on you.”

“None other than President Trump called ‘Get Out’ the best three-quarters of a movie this year.”

“Timothee [Chalamet] is missing Paw Patrol to be here tonight. Don’t worry, Ryder and his team save the day. Timothee is the star of a small but powerful story called ‘Call Me By Your Name,’ which did not make a lot of money. Of the nine Best Picture nominees, only two of them made more than a hundred million dollars. But that’s not the point. We don’t make films like ‘Call Me By Your Name’ for money, we make them to upset Mike Pence.”

“Thanks to Guillermo [del Toro], we will always remember this year as the year men screwed up so badly, women started dating fish.”