Oscars: Best Jokes From Jimmy Kimmel’s Opening Monologue
Academy Awards host avoids dwelling on last year’s Best Picture flub and #MeToo movement
Reid Nakamura | March 4, 2018 @ 5:32 PM
Last Updated: March 4, 2018 @ 5:33 PM
Kevin Winter/Getty Images
Jimmy Kimmel opened the 90th Oscars telecast on Sunday by addressing last year’s Best Picture flub.
But the host didn’t spend much of his monologue dwelling on the subject, instead opting for a more traditional set of jokes poking fun at the movies nominated and the stars in attendance.
Kimmel also touched on the recent wave of sexual harassment and assault scandals to hit Hollywood, acknowledging the absence of Harvey Weinstein from Sunday’s affair.
Here are some of the Kimmel’s best jokes from his opening monologue:
“This year when you hear your name called, don’t get up right away.”
“This is a special year. This is a big one. These are the 90th Academy Awards. This is history happening right here. Oscar is 90 years old, which means he’s probably at home right now watching Fox News.”
“After all the awards given for achievements in show business over the years, Oscar is still number one. Oscar is the most beloved and respected man in Hollywood and there’s a reason why. Just look at him. Keeps his hands where you can see them. Never says a rude word. And most importantly, no penis at all. He is literally a statue of limitations.”
“Here’s how clueless Hollywood is about women. We made a movie called ‘What Women Want’ and it starred Mel Gibson.”
“The Academy took action last year to expel Harvey Weinstein from their ranks. There were a lot of great nominees, but Harvey deserved it the most.”
“We can’t let bad behavior slide anymore. The world is watching us. We need to set an example, and the truth is, if we work together to stop sexual harassment in the workplace — if we can do that, women will only have to deal with harassment all the time everywhere else they go.”
“This is a night for positivity, and our plan is to shine a light on a group of outstanding and inspiring films, each and every one of which got crushed by ‘Black Panther’ this weekend. The success of ‘Black Panther’ is one of many positive stories this year, especially for African Americans and Bob Iger.”
“So many of tonight’s nominees are making history. And if you are a nominee tonight and you aren’t making history, shame on you.”
“None other than President Trump called ‘Get Out’ the best three-quarters of a movie this year.”
“Timothee [Chalamet] is missing Paw Patrol to be here tonight. Don’t worry, Ryder and his team save the day. Timothee is the star of a small but powerful story called ‘Call Me By Your Name,’ which did not make a lot of money. Of the nine Best Picture nominees, only two of them made more than a hundred million dollars. But that’s not the point. We don’t make films like ‘Call Me By Your Name’ for money, we make them to upset Mike Pence.”
“Thanks to Guillermo [del Toro], we will always remember this year as the year men screwed up so badly, women started dating fish.”
All the Oscar-Nominated Movies You Can Watch at Home Right Now
The Oscars are almost here, but you don't have to head to the theater to catch up on all the nominees you missed -- most of the major nominees you can watch from the comfort of your living room. Here you'll find the list of every Oscar nominee available for home viewing and where you can find them.
"Abacus: Small Enough to Jail"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Documentary Feature. Available with an Amazon Prime subscription and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
“Baby Driver”
Three Oscar nominations, for Sound Editing, Sound Mixing and Film Editing. Available on DVD and Blu-Ray, as well as for rent or purchase from streaming retailers.
"Beauty and the Beast"
Two Oscar nominations, for Best Costume Design and Best Production Design. Available on DVD and Blu-Ray, and for rent or purchase from streaming retailers.
"The Big Sick"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Original Screenplay. Available on Amazon Prime, as well as Blu-Ray and DVD, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"Blade Runner 2049"
Five Oscar nominations, for Best Visual Effects, Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, Production Design and Cinematography. Available on DVD and Blu-Ray, and for rent or purchase from streaming retailers.
"The Boss Baby"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Animated Feature. Available on DVD and Blu-Ray, on Netflix, and for rent or purchase from streaming retailers.
"The Breadwinner"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Animated Feature. Available on DVD and Blu-Ray, on Netflix, and for rent or purchase from streaming retailers.
"Call Me By Your Name"
Four Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Original Song. Available for purchase from streaming retailers.
"Coco"
Two Oscar nominations, for Best Animated Feature and Best Original Song. Available on DVD and Blu-Ray, and for rent or purchase from streaming retailers.
"Darkest Hour"
Six Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, Actor, Cinematography, Production Design, Makeup & Hair, and Costume Design. Available on Blu-Ray and DVD, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"The Disaster Artist"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Adapted Screenplay. Available on Blu-Ray and DVD, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"Dunkirk"
Eight Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, Director, Cinematography, Production Design, Film Editing, Sound Mixing, Sound Editing and Original Score. Available on DVD and Blu-Ray, and for rent or purchase from streaming retailers.
"Faces Places"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Documentary. Available on Blu-Ray and DVD, and for purchase from streaming retailers.
"Ferdinand"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Animated Feature. Available for purchase from streaming retailers.
"The Florida Project"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Supporting Actor. Available on DVD and Blu-Ray, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"Get Out"
Four Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, Director, Actor and Original Screenplay. Available on HBO and its streaming platforms, as well as DVD and Blu-Ray, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Visual Effects. Available on Netflix, as well as Blu-Ray and DVD, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"Kong: Skull Island"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Visual Effects. Available on Netflix, as well as Blu-Ray and DVD, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"Lady Bird"
Five Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, Director, Orignal Screenplay, Actress and Supporting Actress. Available on DVD and Blu-Ray, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"Last Men in Aleppo"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Documentary Feature. Available on DVD, on Netflix, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"Logan"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Adapted Screenplay. Available on HBO and its streaming platforms, as well as Blu-Ray and DVD, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"Loving Vincent"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Animated Feature. Available on DVD and Blu-Ray, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"Marshall"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Original Song for "Stand Up for Something" by Common and Diane Warren. Available on Netflix, as well as Blu-Ray and DVD, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"Mudbound"
Four Oscar nominations, including Best Supporting Actress, Adapted Screenplay, Original Song and Cinematography. Available on Netflix.
"Roman J. Israel, Esq."
One Oscar nomination, for Best Actor. Available on Blu-Ray and DVD, and for rent or purchase from streaming services.
"The Shape of Water"
Thirteen Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, Director, Actress, Supporting Actress, Supporting Actor and Cinematography. Available for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"The Square"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Foreign Language Film. Available on DVD and Blu-Ray, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"Strong Island"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Documentary. Available on Netflix.
"Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri"
Seven Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, Actress, Supporting Actor and Original Screenplay. Available on Blu-Ray and DVD, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"War for the Planet of the Apes"
One Oscar nomination, for Best Visual Effects. Available on Blu-Ray and DVD, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"Wonder"
One Oscar nomination, for Makeup and Hairstyling. Available on Netflix, as well as Blu-Ray and DVD, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
"Victoria & Abdul"
Two Oscar nominations, for Best Costume Design and Hair and Makeup. Available on Blu-Ray and DVD, and for rent and purchase from streaming retailers.
The Oscar nominated short films in the live action, animation and documentary categories can all be streamed for free on Shorts.tv.
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Prep for the Oscars by checking out most of the nominated films from the comfort of your couch
The Oscars are almost here, but you don't have to head to the theater to catch up on all the nominees you missed -- most of the major nominees you can watch from the comfort of your living room. Here you'll find the list of every Oscar nominee available for home viewing and where you can find them.
