Alec Baldwin didn’t show up on “SNL” much to deliver his Donald Trump impression all that often in the early part of the season, but he’s been popping up with more regularity of late. And on this week’s episode, Baldwin’s Trump delivered a tour de force parody of Trump’s press conference this week in which he explain why he was declaring a national emergency to try to pay for his border wall.
Baldwin, who last appeared on “SNL” Jan. 19, came right out of the gate spewing standard Trumpian nonsense at breakneck speeds, delivering a monologue before taking questions from assemble reporters played by “SNL” cast members. Here’s how his insane opener went:
“I’m here to declare a very urgent, important national emergency. This is a big one so I don’t want to waste any time. That’s why first I would like to blow my own horn a little bit,” Baldwin’s Trump declared as he headed off on his first series of tangents of the sketch. “I just had a great health exam. I’m still standing 6-foot-7, 185 pounds, shredded. We have another summit coming up in Hanoi with the North Korean leader, chairman Kim, who by the way is a very cool, misunderstood guy. I’m looking forward to seeing him next week as his dinner for shmucks, as he calls it.”
And then he finally got to the main topic: that darn border wall.
“Let’s cut to the chase, folks. We need wall. Okay? We have a tremendous amount of drugs flowing into this country from the southern border, or the ‘brown line’ as many people have asked me not to call it,” Baldwin’s Trump said. “That’s why we need wall. Because wall works. Wall makes safe. You don’t have to be smart to understand that. In fact, it’s even easier to understand if you are not that smart. You can all see why I have to fake this national emergency, right? Because I want to. It’s really simple. We have a problem. Drugs are coming into this country through no wall.”
“I asked President Xi if they had a drug problem in China. I’m not going to do the voice, but he said ‘No, no, no, me no like drugs. Me like death penalty.’ It sounds better with the voice, I think. But imagine if we used the death penalty for nonviolent crimes here. You shoplift, bing, bing, two in the back of the head. Something to kick around. I’m basically taking military money so I can has wall. So I’m gonna sign these papers for emergency and I will immediately be sued and it will not go in my favor and it will end up in the Supreme Court. And I’ll call my buddy Kavanaugh and I’ll say ‘It’s time to repay the Donny,’ and he’ll say ‘new phone, who dis?’ And the Mueller report will be released, crumbling my house of cards and I can plead insanity and do a few months in the [unintelligible] factory and my personal hell of playing president will finally be over.”
And after all that, we were only about a third of the way through the sketch. From there, Baldwin’s Trump took questions from reporters played by “SNL” cast members Cecily Strong, Heidi Gardner and Mikey Day, with a bonus appearance from Trump’s attorney general nominee William Barr, as played by “SNL” regular Beck Bennett.
You can watch the sketch in full at the top of this post.