This week’s “SNL” cold open had exactly one topic it wanted to cover this week: Jeff Bezos’ penis.
The sketch was a parody of “Meet the Press,” with “SNL” cast member Kyle Mooney as Chuck Todd, with Kenan Thompson as Washington Post columnist Eugene Robinson, Cecily Strong as Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan and Leslie Jones as former DNC chair Donna Brazile as the guests.
They of course went straight into the big topic of the moment — Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos’ claim that David Pecker tried to use a nude selfie (aka a d— pic) as leverage in a blackmail scheme.
Mooney’s Todd opened the discussion by asking, simply, “What do you think Jeff Bezos’ penis is going to look like?” Strong said she figured it was “small potatoes” because all rich people have small penises.
“If it’s small and look’s funny, you better have the money, honey,” Strong said.
They then discussed what the coloration of Bezos’ penis might look like, as well as what they thought of the New York Post’s pun headline on Friday, which Strong and Thompson found unsatisfactory and provided alternatives. Strong suggested: “Stroke of genius: Bezos gives Pecker the shaft.”
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Eventually, they brought in Kate McKinnon as Wilbur Ross, who insisted on participating in the conversation about penises. “I wanna talk about penises. I’m one of the guys,” Ross claimed, in McKinnon’s mildly exaggerated slurred impression.
Todd asked Ross then if he even knew was a “d— pic” is, and in reply Ross told a fascinating story about gathering ten homeless men in a row, examining their penises and then paying one of them $100 to swap with him. Because that’s what “SNL” Wilbur Ross thinks a d— pic is.
The last guest was Matthew Whitaker, as performed by Aidy Bryant. When asked what he thought of the whole situation with Bezos’ penis, he noted that, as a clean-shaven bald man, “Every time I post a photo of myself on Instagram it gets flagged as a d— pic.”
Whitaker tried to get serious for a moment, almost spilling the beans about all sorts of Trump-related conspiracies. “Mr. Trump actually called me and whispered to me–“
But he was interrupted when news broke that the photos of Bezos’ penis had been released, and all the guests looked at them on their phones as the sketch ended and the rest of “SNL” began.