Stephen Colbert got a break on Monday, with the late-breaking news that the FBI raided the office and home of Donald Trump’s personal attorney Michael Cohen happening just early enough that “The Late Show” writing staff could slip in some jokes about it.
“The Late Show” was coming off of hiatus, and it was clear that the imminently topical jokes were late additions to a bit he was doing to catch up on some of last week’s big news regarding the Stormy Daniels situation. Colbert started this part of his monologue with the video from last week of Trump denying he knew anything about the hush agreement Cohen had set up with Daniels.
“Trump trusts his lawyer so much, he lets him do stuff he doesn’t know about in his name for reasons he doesn’t understand. That’s like saying, ‘Doc, just put me under and take out whatever organs you want. Dealer’s choice. You want a lung? You take it,’” Colbert joked. “So he said on camera, ‘You’ll have to ask Michael Cohen.’ Well, guess who watches TV? Robert Mueller.
“Because, today, on a tip from Mueller, ‘The FBI raided Cohen’s office, seizing records related to several topics including payments to a pornographic-film actress.’ They got everything. All of his information about porn in a folder marked ‘finances,’ and all of his information about finances in a folder marked ‘porn.’”
After slipping in a joke about the FBI “taint team” that will have to review Cohen’s correspondence with Trump that was taken in the raids to make sure that the taking of it doesn’t violate laws regarding attorney-client privilege, Colbert suggested Cohen had reasons to be optimistic.
“But all hope isn’t lost, Michael Cohen. I’m sure the FBI will keep this whole thing quiet for $130,000,” Colbert joked. “Of course, if Trump really knew nothing about this, Cohen was already in trouble, because entering into an agreement on behalf of a client who doesn’t know about that agreement is ‘grounds for disbarment in New York. And if that happens, Trump’s legal team will be down to Ty Cobb, Jay Sekulow, and a DVD of ‘Matlock.’ He’s a good lawyer, that Matlock.”
Colbert then discussed Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael Avenatti’s assertion that Trump’s denial that he knew about the agreement would be “like Christmas and Hanukkah all rolled into one” for Daniels because “you can’t have an agreement if one party claims they knew nothing about one of the principal terms of the agreement.”
I don’t remember the part in the Christmas story where one of the wise men hooks up with a porn star,” Colbert said, though he was less skeptical about it being part of Hanukkah lore. “Hannukah, I believe. ‘And, lo, the massage oil lasted eight nights.’”
You can watch Colbert’s Monday “Late Show” monologue in the video embedded at the top of this post.