As members of the Proud Boys are on trial, prosecutors brought a handbook into evidence covering various topics from mandatory toasts to guns and housewives.
However, the section on when members can masturbate gave Colbert all the ammunition to get his shots off during his monologue on Tuesday night.
“Yesterday, prosecutors entered a Proud Boys handbook, and it turns out The Proud Boys have really strict rules about masturbating,” Colbert said. “So, less of a handbook and more of a no handbook,” Colbert joked.
Colbert took a break to laugh with his audience at the joke while he opened and closed his hand to tug them into the next punchline.
“Specifically, the rule says a Proud Boy may not ejaculate alone more often once every 30 days,” Colbert said. “So, once a month. They’re basically werewolves. And when the moon is waxing, they can’t do it just anywhere. The actual rule says, if a Proud Boy needs to ejaculate it must be within one yard of a woman.”
Colbert added, “So gals, if you see a Proud Boy with a tape measurer get out of there!”
In addition to when members can masturbate, the Proud Boys’ handbook also has guidelines for how members can give a toast, giving Colbert another chance to dunk on the neo-fascist group.
“The document also outlines protocol when where members are supposed to raise a glass and give toasts,” Colbert said. “Like to the entrepreneurs, to guns, and to the housewives.”
While holding a wine glass in his hand, Colbert screamed, “Yes, to the housewives!” as he named various stars from “The Real Housewives” franchise.
To watch Colbert’s full monologue, click the video at the top.