“The Late Show” host Stephen Colbert took the stage at Carnegie Hall on Wednesday for the late-night host’s annual tradition of mocking CBS at the network’s own upfront event.
In a five-minute monologue, Colbert ran the gamut with jokes ranging from political to self-referential, though he only made one mention about disgraced former CBS chief executive Leslie Moonves. When his eye turned toward the network itself, Colbert instead went for the reliable target of CBS’s aging viewership or the imminent loss of “The Big Bang Theory.”
Read all of Colbert’s best jokes below.
“As you can see, despite Lindsey Graham’s advice, I honored my subpoena to be here today.”
“Today’s about you advertisers, you folks work so hard. This is your chance to sit back, relax and let us sell to you. And because I respect you, I’m not going to destroy tonight’s show by interrupting it with commercials. Those things are awful.”
“Before I came here today, I received a massive document from the network, full of details about how well CBS performed this year. Now, I did not have the time to get through it all, so I just read Bill Barr’s four-page summary. Turns out, Les Moonves, totally exonerated. I did not see that coming.”
“We’re number one, baby! Woo! We won TV! We can stop now. [Pause.] I’m being told we cannot stop now, I’m sorry.”
“We’ve been number one for 11 years. Do you know what that means? That means that there are a lot of old people who don’t realize that the TV in the basement has been on for over a decade. No one tell them, please.”
“Why is CBS number one? Because we’re always innovating. Next season we’ll have shows from young up-and-comers like Chuck Lorre.”
“When it comes to finding new voices, CBS will take a chance on anyone who is already on CBS.”
“CBS has some of the highest-rated crime dramas on TV … For some reason these days, Americans really want to watch people who obviously committed crimes go to jail for them.”
“We’re currently tied first among adults 25-54. Of course, Fox News is still winning toddlers aged 72.”
“Speaking of the demo, two days ago I turned 55. And I just want to thank you for all the years you gave a damn about what I watched … Now I’m off to– Well, again, you don’t care.”
“All of our numbers this year were impressive. Even our show numbers, ’60 Minutes,’ ‘Hawaii Five-0,’ ‘Magnum Pi.’ That show never repeats itself. I know it seems irrational, but it never does. You don’t need ‘Big Bang,’ I can make math jokes!”
“‘The Late Show’ isn’t just number one in late night, we’re also number one in the 18-49 demo. Tonight we have the Korean supergroup BTS on the show. That brings in the 18-year-olds and the 49-year-olds desperate for something to talk about with their 18-year-olds.”
“That’s just TV, I haven’t even talked about CBS All Access. Something I have in common with most Americans.”
“I love the new ‘Twilight Zone.’ It’s full of dark, twisted stories from a nightmare reality. I’m sorry, that’s actually the plot of the ‘CBS Evening News,’ I read that wrong.”