This has been a particularly hectic week for Donald Trump-related news, and keeping up with everything has proven impossible for regular people and late-night talk show hosts alike. They have to just pick one thing and go with it each day because there’s no way to get to everything. On Thursday night, “The Daily Show” host Trevor Noah decided that the report about the possibility that Trump had a secret love child in the ’80s was going to be his focus.
The story goes that a former doorman at a Trump building had a rumor that in the 1980s, Trump had an affair with a maid and even had a kid with her — a secret kid that no one knew about — and that the National Enquirer paid him for the exclusive rights to his story and then spiked the story to keep it secret.
“Trump might have a secret kid? I bet everyone who doesn’t know their father right now is panicking,” Noah joked during his opening segment. “Yeah, they’re phoning their moms like, ‘Tell me it wasn’t him, mom! Tell me it wasn’t him! Tell me it was a crackhead! Tell me I have crackhead blood, momma!'”
Noah then expressed some concern about the impact it could have on the country if Trump actually goes straight.
“Every week we seem to find out that someone else got money to keep quiet about one of Trump’s affairs. At this point, it’s almost like his dong has its own economy. You know, like a GDP — Gross Domestic Penis. That’s what it feels like right now,” Noah said. “I mean think about it, everyone’s getting paid — doormen, porn stars, lawyers. At this point, I’m worried if Trump stops cheating on Melania, the stock market will crash. There’s just gonna be another recession.”
But Noah couldn’t help but circle back around to the possibility that anyone in their late 20s or early 30s could conceivably be Trump’s secret kid.
“Everyone in the story is talking about whether these payoffs constitute illegal campaign contributions. That’s why it’s big news. But for me, there’s a bigger story here. You realize if you were born in the 1980s, you might be Donald Trump’s child. Yeah. You could be in line to inherit billions of dollars in debt,” Noah said, before coming to a huge realization.
“In fact, I was a child born in the 1980s. Oh, my gosh! It’s me! Papa Donald? I always felt like there was something, something connecting the two of us. So similar, folks. Everyone said it. I can see it now. I’ll show you my birth certificate!”
You can watch this portion of the opening segment from Thursday’s “The Daily Show with Trevor Noah” in the video embedded at the top of this post.