"Twin Peaks" is a bizarre, often seemingly nonsensical show, but it's a David Lynch thing, which means weird and crazy things that show up on screen mean something -- the onus is just on us to figure it out. So, in that vein, we thought the best way to celebrate Showtime's 18-hour revival would be to rank a bunch of the show's characters -- but in a weird, confusing way instead of the normal "worst to best" way. We may just be amateur David Lynches, but we think it'll be a damn fine time nonetheless.
53. Andrew Packard (Dan O'Herlihy)
The whole time he was pretending to be dead was he just hiding in the library or what?
52. Annie Blackburn (Heather Graham)
Just a normal person and stuff. Generally that's a good thing, but this is "Twin Peaks" we're talkin' about.
51. Ben Horne (Richard Beymer)
Rich businessmen everywhere nodded in solidarity when Ben admitted he has no idea how to be a good person.
48. Big Ed (Everett McGill)
If this list were ranking how often each character made a confused face, Big Ed would be top 5 for sure.
47. Bobby Briggs (Dana Ashbrook)
Became a better person because David Lynch made out with Bobby's girlfriend. Now that's what you call a character arc.
42. Hank Jennings (Chris Mulkey)
If he weren't white he definitely would have been fired for continuously not murdering the people he's supposed to murder.
41. Sheriff Harry S. Truman (Michael Ontkean)
Gotta admire a guy who keeps his gun close while drinking.
39. Dr. Jacoby (Russ Tamblyn)
If I had to be any "Twin Peaks" character I'd probably wanna be Dr. Jacoby because he's got the chillest part (other than that time he got beat up in Season 1).
38. James Hurley (James Marshall)
Might be the most melodramatic character on "Twin Peaks," which is really saying something.
36. Dr. Hayward (Warren Frost)
Is good at knowing when people are dead and also at not really being Donna's dad.
35. Mayor Milford (John Boylan)
He was really just jealous of Dougie the whole time. Jealousy is bad.
33. Audrey Horne (Sherilyn Fenn)
Ruins business deals, accidentally almost hooks up with her own dad, fights in the Civil War with her dad, has her romantic subplot with Coop ruined by Lara Flynn Boyle and then loses her virginity on a private jet. Audrey is a moral good.
32. Pete Martell (Jack Nance)
Does anybody not love Pete? Everybody loves Pete. He's just that dumb.
31. Agent Denise Bryson (David Duchovny)
It's still surprising, and cool, that Denise was on network TV way back in 1991.
20. Ronnette Pulaski (Phoebe Augustine)
You really gotta feel for Ronnette, since her whole purpose is pretty much just to be the "other one."
24. Lucy (Kimmy Robertson)
Will probably be just as boring a parent as Andy... but she's still Lucy.
22. Jean Renault (Michael Parks)
Michael Parks doing a fake French accent is always good in my book.
21. Agent Rosenfield (Miguel Ferrer)
Look, he may seem mean, but he loves you and that's all that matters.
19. Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan)
Get you a man who looks at you the way Dale Cooper looks at everything.
18. Nadine (Wendy Robie)
Of all the 30+ year-old adults who hook up with high school kids on "Twin Peaks," Nadine is easily the least creepy of them because she, at least, thinks she's also a teenager.
13. Dick Tremayne (Ian Buchanan)
He's born and raised in Twin Peaks, but also he's British. So he's a great character.
12. Windom Earle (Kenneth Welsh)
As far as I can remember, he's the only character whose head was set on fire on the show.
9-10. Eckhardt and Jones (David Warner and Brenda Strong)
Storm into the show out of nowhere and get killed before accomplishing anything. This is what we watch David Lynch stuff for.
8. Donna (Lara Flynn Boyle and Moira Kelly)
What exactly does Donna contribute over the course of the show? Not much.
7. Josie Packard (Joan Chen)
Is accidentally responsible for the best scene in the entire series (the room service scene from the Season 2 premiere) because she shot Coop, and that's all that matters.
3. Deputy Hawk (Michael Horse)
Spends most of his screen time either standing around looking cool or being incredibly useful in ways none of the other characters could imagine being. Nice.