“Twin Peaks” is a bizarre, often seemingly nonsensical show, but it’s a David Lynch thing, which means weird and crazy things that show up on screen mean something — the onus is just on us to figure it out. So, in that vein, we thought the best way to celebrate Showtime’s 18-hour revival would be to rank a bunch of the show’s characters — but in a weird, confusing way instead of the normal “worst to best” way. We may just be amateur David Lynches, but we think it’ll be a damn fine time nonetheless.
54. John Justice Wheeler (Billy Zane)
Fake.
53. Andrew Packard (Dan O’Herlihy)
The whole time he was pretending to be dead was he just hiding in the library or what?
52. Annie Blackburn (Heather Graham)
Just a normal person and stuff. Generally that’s a good thing, but this is “Twin Peaks” we’re talkin’ about.
51. Ben Horne (Richard Beymer)
Rich businessmen everywhere nodded in solidarity when Ben admitted he has no idea how to be a good person.
50. Laura Palmer (Sheryl Lee)
Dead the whole time.
49. Harold Smith (Lenny Von Dohlen)
Agoraphobia is not as sexy as he thinks.
48. Big Ed (Everett McGill)
If this list were ranking how often each character made a confused face, Big Ed would be top 5 for sure.
47. Bobby Briggs (Dana Ashbrook)
Became a better person because David Lynch made out with Bobby’s girlfriend. Now that’s what you call a character arc.
46. Jacques Renault (Walter Olkewicz)
Nah. Extra nah points if you watched “Fire Walk With Me.”
45. Catherine Martell (Piper Laurie)
Is not good at puzzles.
44. Agent Hardy (Clarence Williams III)
Took away Coop’s badge! Come on, man.
43. Blackie (Victoria Catlin)
She died.
42. Hank Jennings (Chris Mulkey)
If he weren’t white he definitely would have been fired for continuously not murdering the people he’s supposed to murder.
41. Sheriff Harry S. Truman (Michael Ontkean)
Gotta admire a guy who keeps his gun close while drinking.
40. Deputy Andy (Harry Goaz)
I’m sure he’s a perfectly fine boring dad.
39. Dr. Jacoby (Russ Tamblyn)
If I had to be any “Twin Peaks” character I’d probably wanna be Dr. Jacoby because he’s got the chillest part (other than that time he got beat up in Season 1).
38. James Hurley (James Marshall)
Might be the most melodramatic character on “Twin Peaks,” which is really saying something.
37. Evelyn Marsh (Annette McCarthy)
Exists to feed James Hurley’s constant thirst for melodrama.
36. Dr. Hayward (Warren Frost)
Is good at knowing when people are dead and also at not really being Donna’s dad.
35. Mayor Milford (John Boylan)
He was really just jealous of Dougie the whole time. Jealousy is bad.
34. Jerry Horne (David Patrick Kelly)
Gotta appreciate a bad lawyer who knows he’s a bad lawyer.
33. Audrey Horne (Sherilyn Fenn)
Ruins business deals, accidentally almost hooks up with her own dad, fights in the Civil War with her dad, has her romantic subplot with Coop ruined by Lara Flynn Boyle and then loses her virginity on a private jet. Audrey is a moral good.
32. Pete Martell (Jack Nance)
Does anybody not love Pete? Everybody loves Pete. He’s just that dumb.
31. Agent Denise Bryson (David Duchovny)
It’s still surprising, and cool, that Denise was on network TV way back in 1991.
30. Major Briggs (Don S. Davis)
Extremely dad.
20. Ronnette Pulaski (Phoebe Augustine)
You really gotta feel for Ronnette, since her whole purpose is pretty much just to be the “other one.”
28. Lana (Robyn Lively)
The sex murderer.
27. Leo Johnson (Eric DaRe)
Nobody’s a better punchline than Leo.
26. Bob (Frank Silva)
Bob will probably end up being president someday. Maybe he already is.
25. Sarah Palmer (Grace Zabriskie)
Notable for not having any normal facial expressions.
24. Lucy (Kimmy Robertson)
Will probably be just as boring a parent as Andy… but she’s still Lucy.
23. The Man from Another Place (Michael J. Anderson)
I’m not qualified to write anything about him.
22. Jean Renault (Michael Parks)
Michael Parks doing a fake French accent is always good in my book.
21. Agent Rosenfield (Miguel Ferrer)
Look, he may seem mean, but he loves you and that’s all that matters.
20. Mike (Gary Hershberger)
What did Mike learn from all this? Best not to ask, probably.
19. Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan)
Get you a man who looks at you the way Dale Cooper looks at everything.
18. Nadine (Wendy Robie)
Of all the 30+ year-old adults who hook up with high school kids on “Twin Peaks,” Nadine is easily the least creepy of them because she, at least, thinks she’s also a teenager.
17. Maddy Ferguson (Sheryl Lee)
Looks like Laura Palmer but isn’t. Get it?
16. Norma (Peggy Lipton)
I think she’s named Norma because she’s so normal.
15. One-armed man (Al Strobel)
It’s not a crime to sell shoes, OK?
14. Shelly Johnson (Madchen Amick)
Shelly. Shelly Shelly Shelly.
13. Dick Tremayne (Ian Buchanan)
He’s born and raised in Twin Peaks, but also he’s British. So he’s a great character.
12. Windom Earle (Kenneth Welsh)
As far as I can remember, he’s the only character whose head was set on fire on the show.
11. The Giant (Carel Struycken)
He’s a very helpful human being.
9-10. Eckhardt and Jones (David Warner and Brenda Strong)
Storm into the show out of nowhere and get killed before accomplishing anything. This is what we watch David Lynch stuff for.
8. Donna (Lara Flynn Boyle and Moira Kelly)
What exactly does Donna contribute over the course of the show? Not much.
7. Josie Packard (Joan Chen)
Is accidentally responsible for the best scene in the entire series (the room service scene from the Season 2 premiere) because she shot Coop, and that’s all that matters.
6. Leland Palmer (Ray Wise)
Not gonna argue with white-haired Ray Wise.
5. Little Nicky (Joshua Harris)
Still think he’s a murderer.
4. Log Lady (Catherine E. Coulson)
She got it.
3. Deputy Hawk (Michael Horse)
Spends most of his screen time either standing around looking cool or being incredibly useful in ways none of the other characters could imagine being. Nice.
2. The waiter (Hank Worden)
The milk’ll get cool on ya pretty soon.
1. Gordon Cole (David Lynch)
Default no. 1.