We ranked all the enhanced humans in “Captain America: Civil War.” There’s 12 of ’em, which is more people than I know in real life. If you want jokes about how susceptible to peer pressure the Winter Soldier is, you’re in the right place.
If you want a real discussion of who these armies of superheroes then click on our Who’s Who explainer.
12. War Machine
Not nearly as much fun as when he was called Iron Patriot in “Iron Man 3,” probably because he has to spend most of this movie standing in political solidarity with Tony Stark instead of constantly busting his balls.
11. Iron Man
Tony Stark doesn’t have kids, but he’s definitely treating the rest of the Avengers like they’re his rebellious preteen offspring here. Come on, Tony, lighten up.
10. Vision
What a goofball, walking through walls when he should be using doors. He kind of spends the whole movie being an overprotective dad to Scarlet Witch, though. Not cool, robot man.
9. Hawkeye
Actually a dad, Hawkeye disappointed his kids by skipping out on the family vacation to participate in the superhero royal rumble. At least he acknowledges it.
8. Winter Soldier
Doesn’t really know what’s going on, is constantly being emo, and is susceptible to peer pressure in a big way. Sounds like somebody needs to have a talk with him.
7. Scarlet Witch
Accidentally blows up a building to kick off the central conflict of “Civil War.” Whoops. As always, teenagers have to learn important life lessons the hard way. She’s not really a teenager this is just a metaphor.
6. Captain America
Remember that time Captain America was totally wrong about something? Oh wait, that never happened ever. And yet 117 different countries are giving him a hard time here. Sure, let’s trust Tony “my bad dreams almost made me destroy the world” Stark instead.
5. Black Widow
She’s Captain America’s BFF, or is she? She’s #TeamIronMan, or is she? Honestly, “I’m not sure which side to go with here” is probably the right call for most of these secondary folks. She could be nicer to Falcon’s robot bird, though.
4. Falcon
He’s got a remote control robot bird to play with this time, and it’s awesome. I retroactively like “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” less now because of its lack of the robot bird.
3. Black Panther
He’s a superhero who’s super pissed off and manages to hold his own both in combat and as a screen presence against all these other people we’ve had around for a bunch of movies. No small feat, that.
2. Spider-Man
Does not take this superhero melee seriously at all. On the other hand, he is actually a child so we can give him a pass. Also, he’s really funny. If he wasn’t behind on his homework, he might have had a shot at the top spot.
1. Ant-Man
Just pops up in the middle of this super dramatic movie and just refuses to say anything with a serious tone. And yet he manages to play probably the most key role of any member of #TeamCap during the big showdown. He’s the best and there’s really no debating this.
