“Jimmy Kimmel Live” guest host Chelsea Handler, who in addition to being a well known Hollywood feminist, is also hosting on the first episode of the late-night show taped after the repeal of Roe v Wade last week by the right wing Supreme Court bloc.
Naturally Handler talked about that, a lot, and near the end came up with some rather funny and novel ways men could be forced to experience the terrible things about to be visited on women.
But first, Handler joked at the jump that “I will be here all week long — or at least until Republicans make it illegal for women to talk,” and that “Jimmy is off right now doing whatever the f— he wants with his body.”
Handler ran down some of her favorite posters from the massive, nationwide protests that broke out over the weekend — like ”You didn’t like wearing a mask, imagine being forced to have a baby” — and noted how this decision only further divides Americans.
She also noted how many women are deleting menstruation tracking apps due to very reasonable fears the data on those apps could be used by authoritarians in red states to prosecute women suspected of having had an abortion. And then joked she deleted hers “mostly, because I’m on the eve of menopause.”
“Friday’s decision has made me a very strong advocate of the pull out method – which is when you pull Clarence Thomas out of the Supreme Court,” Handler continued.
She also reminded people that Thomas’ wife as intimately involved in spreading Donald Trump’s election lies and his efforts that fomented the . “That’s right. She was working behind the scenes to overturn a democratic election. Isn’t it so beautiful when two disgusting and awful people find each other? They are the ultimate abuse-of-power couple.”
Next, Handler noted how “three of the judges who voted to overturn the ruling were appointed by a man with over a dozen sexual assault allegations, who lost the popular vote twice, was impeached twice, and attempted a coup because he’s a little fat big baby loser.”
Then Handler mocked the already widely mocked response by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi last week. “Pelosi responded to the decision Friday by doing the most radical thing the Speaker of the House can do: she read a poem.”
“A poem that she also read after the insurrection. That’s called a Whoopsodoodle, Nancy. We are facing the biggest rollback of American rights in a century and she’s searching her gmail for ‘that one poem that always fixes everything,'” Handler said.
Handler then listed several ways that in her view, Republican policies directly contradict the concept of being “pro-life”
“Universal health care: That’s pro-life. Restricting guns: That’s also pro-life. Fighting climate change: That’s also pro-life. Listening to doctors during a pandemic: Pro-life. Not forcing women to give birth like livestock: Pro-life,” Handler said.
Handler talked about how Texas has declared the day Roe was struck down a state holiday. “So far the Roe v Wade day doesn’t have a name but, just spit balling here, I have a few ideas,” she said.
“Forced Labor Day. National Women’s Rights Are History Month. Deliver Your Baby at Work Day. Misogyneaster. Spawn-ukah. The Vaginal Unequalnox. Girl Harbor Day. And then Wrap Up Your D and Stuff It In Your Own A–hole Day,” she joked.
After making fun of Rudy Giuliani’s exaggerated claims that he was “assaulted,” and showing the audience the video proving her wasn’t, Handler made it to her ideas for how the pain of Roe v. Wade’s death could be spread around to men a little.
“Women are tired of having our bodies legislated by men who’ve never had a uterus, have never carried a baby full term, and have never breastfed even a cabbage patch kid. So I thought, I thought I would suggest some laws to legislate men’s bodies. See how they like it. Does that sound good?” she said.
Here are her suggestions:
“From now on: No more vasectomies. If you want to stop having children, tie your penis in a knot. And if you can’t tie your penis in a knot, you’re not a real man anyway.”
“If you get a woman pregnant, you have to wear a leech on your scrotum for up to nine months and then breastfeed it.”
“Every man must now speak to a trained counselor before they’re allowed to grow a soul patch, also known as a flavor saver. Either way, disgusting.”
“Your penis size will now appear on your driver’s license. They will measure it in a freezing room in the back of the DMV.”
“If you’re a Texas senator who accidentally likes porn on Twitter, you must undergo a pelvic ultrasound to prove that you did not ejaculate.”
“Any time a man asks a woman to smile, he loses three teeth.”
“Men now have to get bi-monthly butthole waxings – just for fun.”
“And lastly, white men don’t get to vote for the next hundred and fifty years.”
Watch the whole monologue above.