Seth Meyers returned from an extra-long hiatus on Monday night and, as always, he made a speed run of all the headlines he missed while he was gone. But, to ensure he wasn’t just being a hater, he also double checked his feelings against a supercut of real news reporters — more specifically, a 2-minute-long supercut of all the headlines that were indeed bad while Meyers was out.
To kick off his “A Closer Look” segment, Meyers did as he often does when returning from a long break, and joked that “nothing happened” while he was gone. Of course, lots did, so Meyers took a deep breath and sped through it as best he could. Once he finished, the NBC host opted to double check himself.
“We’ve had our fun, but you know what? Maybe I’m being too harsh, too cynical,” he said. “Maybe all that stuff just sounds bad when a crooked left-wing fake news Trump-hater like myself puts it all together in a big list and says it all out loud. I’m sure I’m just being biased. Things can’t be that bad.”
“So to make up for it, let’s watch this very short montage of other people talking about how great everything is,” Meyers continued.
With that, a classic “Late Night” supercut began. It included headlines about how diesel prices are currently at an all-time high, how “oil executives say the Great Fuel Crisis is here,” how medicare premiums are expected to jump, how Iranian strikes damaged U.S. structures, how the trade war with Canada is escalating, leading to a possible price hike on toilet paper, and a whole lot more headlines to boot.
“Yes!” Meyers celebrated when the montage ended. “Now, you might be surprised that I’m psyched, despite what I just showed you. But I am psyched because I recently bought a case of this.”
At that, Meyers held up a roll of toilet paper, joking that it was “pure Canadian 2-ply,” from Alberta.
“Woo! You know the street value of this s–t?” he joked. “I can sell these for 30 bucks a pop, and you know what? I do.”
Getting back to the clips he just watched, Meyers simply sighed and admitted “I have so many questions.” The host particularly latched onto a quote from the president, where Trump bragged that he “could have banned fishing” but didn’t.
“Why the f–k, sir, would you ban fishing? We can’t eat anything else!” Meyers said. “What’s the problem you have with fish? Are people having sex with them and then applying to work at the FBI? Oh, are the fish already working at the FBI?!”
“This is how bad things are. Gas is too expensive to drive to the grocery store, and even if you do, you can’t eat anything because the food costs too much,” he continued seriously. “It might make you sick, and if it does make you sick, the soap you use to clean your hands has just been recalled, while the toilet paper you need will be too expensive because of a trade war with Canada no one asked for.”
You can watch Seth Meyers’ full “A Closer Look” in the video above.
