Conan O’Brien addressed the Trump administration’s latest lawsuit against Harvard University while giving the commencement address, joking he also had grievances against the storied school.
“Of course, perhaps the biggest issue facing this institution is that the federal government of the United States is suing our university,” the comedian noted during his Thursday speech. “Many people think I’ve come today to defend Harvard. Well, sorry, those people are wrong. Not only am I not against these lawsuits, I’m here to announce that I’m joining them. I, too, am suing Harvard.”
He then playfully listed all the issues he had with his alma mater, noting, “I’m suing Harvard for the cast iron bunk bed that greeted me upon my arrival at Holworthy 16 my freshman year, a bed that has since been confiscated by the Hague as an instrument of divine cruelty. I’m suing Harvard for allowing me to sign up for a 9:00 a.m. class at the Science Center and a 10 a.m. class down at Soldiers Field. For God’s sakes, I was a child.”
As O’Brien went on, he quipped that he planned to sue the school for his “less than spectacular undergraduate sex life.”
“For me having a three-way meant adding a second mirror to my dorm,” he said. “I’m suing Harvard because once I had to listen to the Harvard Krokodiloes do an eight-minute rendition of ‘Splish-splash, I was taking a bath.’ My god. Each one took a solo and it was awful.”
Before concluding the bit, O’Brien shared that the final reason he was “suing Harvard” was over a meal he was served, called “Captain Ben’s fish spaghetti.”
“To this day, I have no idea who Captain Ben is or why someone would combine government issue cod with spaghetti,” he noted.
“Harvard, I’ll see your ass in court,” he further joked. “Yes, I’m confident that my claims will have more merit than those filed by the president of the United States.”
He then addressed the Trump administration’s suit against Harvard directly, explaining that President Donald Trump and his team felt the university “admits too many foreign students.”
“And who knows, they may have a point,” he said. “After all, what has any foreigner ever added to our American culture? With the possible exception of music, literature, art, cuisine, fashion, architecture, dance, scientific breakthroughs and the core of our moral codes and ethical beliefs.”
Watch O’Brien’s full speech above.
Representatives for the White House did not immediately respond to TheWrap’s request for comment.
