As a sort of connoisseur of cinematic guilty pleasures, the “Fifty Shades” trilogy is among my favorite movie franchises. It’s basically the romantic drama equivalent of a B-level action flick — all about the visceral pleasures without any real attempt at satisfying traditional standards of coherence, orienting its decidedly self-aware storytelling entirely around both physical and emotional titillation. In other words, it’s just the best.
“Fifty Shades Freed” manages to take the series to all new heights. Full disclosure, I have not read these books — the movies are tinged with a sort of goofy irony that I worry the books are too earnest to match. So if you have read the books, what I’m about to discuss probably isn’t news to you.
But for me, as someone for whom the movies are my primary point of reference, the ending of “Fifty Shades Freed” blew my mind for how weirdly oblivious it appeared to be to the point it seemed to have spent its entire running time trying to make. It was one last inexplicable gag to make me question whether I was laughing at or with the movie.
This kind of thing is the real joy of “Fifty Shades” for me — not being able to tell if I’m getting out of it what the filmmakers want me to get out out of it is part of the fun. There are undeniable deadpan comedy elements in all three movies, but I can’t tell how hard they’re winking at me.
The conclusion of “Fifty Shades Freed” is the greatest of these moments. That it plays out roughly the same as it did in the book (I looked it up after I saw the movie). That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not a joke in its movie form, but it’s tough to tell. Anyway, let’s get right into it.
The twist in “Freed” is that Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) and villain Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson) were both orphans who lived in the same foster home when they were young children. And the reason Hyde was so incredibly mad at Ana (Dakota Johnson) — and Christian both that he tried to kidnap Ana and did actually kidnap Christian’s sister Mia (Rita Ora) — is because Christian was adopted by rich people and Hyde was not. Christian, upon discovering all this, comes to the correct conclusion: Maybe he, too, would have been a terrible person had he and Hyde swapped places. (Ignore the fact that these movies have never really depicted Christian as a “good” person).
It’s true that environment and upbringing have a major impact on what kind of adult a kid will turn out to be, and Christian is absolutely correct to ponder what kind of person he would be if his and Hyde’s roles were reversed. And since Christian at that moment has also finally come around on having kids after being adamantly opposed to the prospect the entire movie, the message here seems pretty clear: Christian and Ana should adopt some kids! They could use their ridiculous billionaire means and the lessons learned from the whole Hyde situation to maybe help some other kids from taking that same turn, and just make their lives better in general. Use all the wealth to do something positive for the world! By all the normal ways stories work, that feels like the entire point of the Hyde arc.
But then they just have their own kids instead. Ana is already pregnant by the end of the movie, and in the epilogue scene set a couple years later she’s pregnant again. No lessons were actually learned, apparently.
I have no idea if the movie wants me to note the weird irony of the situation. Is this some kind of commentary about how awful rich people are? Or is it really that oblivious to the moral of its own story? I don’t know what author E.L. James intended, and I don’t know what director James Foley intended. And maybe I don’t care, because the mystery is the fun of it.
As a result, “Fifty Shades Freed” is a Schrodinger’s cat of a movie — both ironic and sincere, aware of itself and also having no clue what it’s doing. What’s the real answer? Is there one? We’ll probably never know, and I am more than OK with that.
The 20 Best Guilty Pleasure Movies of 2017, From 'Underworld' to 'Wolf Warrior 2'
Normally when we decide whether a movie is "good" we use arbitrary qualifications like "does it say anything meaningful" or "does it make sense." But I'm not into that. I'm into whether a movie makes me feel things in my gut. I'm into experiences. I'm into having a great time. I'm into guilty pleasures and trash. And these are the best of 2017.
20. "The Mummy" -- This is the strange case of a movie that feels as though it was shot as a comedy but then during editing it was reworked as a straight dramatic flick. "The Mummy" gives off its own unique version of a so-bad-it's-good vibe as a result. Cockney Russell Crowe is a thing of beauty in any context, also.
19. "The Great Wall" --Got a bad rap early on for the perception that it's another "white savior in Asia" movie, but the truth is much better: "The Great Wall" is Chinese communist propaganda about how awful societies led by white people are. Which is true. All the crazy colors and awesome monster fights are just a bonus.
18. "The Bye Bye Man" -- My personal favorite kind of psychological horror is ones where the spirit or whatever it is tricks the leads into harming themselves or each other. Since it's basically impossible to be smart in that kind of situation it doesn't matter if your characters are dumb -- the tricks just have to be good. And having the main dude wack his best friend in the head with a bat because a ghost made him hallucinate the guy having sex with his girlfriend is a pretty good trick.
17. "Monster Trucks" -- It's like "E.T.," but with giant tentacle monsters that drive pickup trucks. What's not to like?
16. "Free Fire" -- Ben Wheatley manages to appeal to my base emotions whether he's going absolutely nuts ("High-Rise") or just doing this little comedy about a gun deal gone bad that's mostly just people sitting in a warehouse yelling and shooting at each other. It's pulpy nonsense, and I mean that as a compliment.
15. "Sleepless" I'm a huge fan of this sort of movie where everybody looks and acts like they haven't slept in month and wish they were dead and none of the characters are really likable in the normal sense.
14. "Happy Death Day" --A slasher movie version of "Groundhog Day" is a great idea and the finished product is a great time even with an third act that resolves a bit too quickly.
13. "Transformers: The Last Knight" -- Possibly the most Michael Bay movie of all time, because even though the plot makes so little sense I could not even track the sequence of events from beginning to end it's still a thoroughly thrilling visual masterpiece.
12. "Fifty Shades Darker" -- I'm not sure who the intended audience is for this movie where Dakota Johnson puts large metal balls in her vagina during a party and then has sex with the main dude in his childhood bedroom in front of a "Chronicles of Riddick" poster, but I'm glad it exists.
11. "Kingsman: The Golden Circle" --Fun in basically the same way as the first one, with villainous Julianne Moore as an added delight. Not to mention Bruce Greenwood's incredible turn as what feels like a vision of President Jeff Sessions.
10. "The Hitman's Bodyguard" -- Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson are great together, but the secret weapon here is Salma Hayek, who steals every scene she's in right out from under Jackson. With "Bad Boys 3" seemingly never happening, here's a suggestion: a female-led reboot with Salma Hayek as one of the leads.
9. "Atomic Blonde" --This is a movie you can feel, with Charlize Theron winning every fight but needing a nice long nap afterward -- that's relatable content! Slimy James McAvoy is always welcome as well.
8. "Wolf Warrior 2" -- It's kind of hilarious that China put forward a nonsensical mid-budget, B-level action movie as its Foreign Language Oscar submission. But while "Wolf Warrior 2" doesn't exactly reflect the sensibilities of the Academy, it does pretty much exactly reflect mine. This thing is like if "Blood Diamond" were made like an 80s Schwarzenegger movie. It's incredibly exploitative, with more than a tinge of propagandistic overtones. I love it. I love it.
7. "Ghost in the Shell" -- This one feels like it was tailored to my specific preferences -- outlandish cyberpunk aesthetic, everybody talking in a deadpan tone and suppressing their emotions, corporations being overtly evil, Beat Takeshi. It's pure genre trash, and also just great.
6. "xXx: The Return of Xander Cage" -- Somehow this movie manages to convincingly establish a "Fast and Furious"-style #family. It also has Vin Diesel skiing down a rock mountain and surfing on a dirt bike. It's legitimately great, and easily the best Donnie Yen movie of the winter.
5. "Geostorm" -- It's basically a season of "24" with a weather machine in space, complete with a US government conspiracy and everything! Add in an incredibly good amount of weather carnage and you've got almost a perfect movie.
4. "Resident Evil: The Final Chapter" --The decision to kill off most of the cast between movies is a bit frustrating, but otherwise it's a total delight. It's tough to not respect a movie that has this flagrant a disregard for franchise continuity, especially when it's in service of brutal social commentary about how terrible capitalists are.
3. "The Fate of the Furious" -- The greatest development in Hollywood in my lifetime has been the elevation of my favorite trash movie franchise. "F8" is hardly the best of the series, but it nonetheless is a total blast that still hits you right in the feels at every opportunity.
2. "Underworld: Blood Wars" -- You've got Charles Dance doing sword fights, Tobias Menzies as the werewolf villain and Kate Beckinsale dying, going to vampire heaven and returning with superpowers and a new hairstyle. In other words, this is a trash classic.
1. "John Wick Chapter 2" -- Has more meat than the first one thanks in no small part to the addition of Common and Ruby Rose as boss fights, meaning this two hours of sustained Sad Keanu Murder manages to engage your brain as well as your heart.
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These are the movies that are best at hitting your gut, not your brain
Normally when we decide whether a movie is "good" we use arbitrary qualifications like "does it say anything meaningful" or "does it make sense." But I'm not into that. I'm into whether a movie makes me feel things in my gut. I'm into experiences. I'm into having a great time. I'm into guilty pleasures and trash. And these are the best of 2017.
