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Jimmy Kimmel Rebrands Home Network ABC ‘Disney Minus’ in Upfront Monologue

Kris Jenner, “racist” CBS and ridiculous ad jargon are also butts of late-night host’s best jokes

Jimmy Kimmel closed out Disney’s combined 2021 upfront presentation to advertisers on Tuesday, roasting the virtual event and the company’s relationship with advertisers in front of a dark screen and a disembodied laugh track.

Kimmel opened his monologue by digging into the ad business’ jargon and “bulls—,” making fun of concepts like “Drax” and “Generation Stream” and the lengths networks go in order to sell their programs. He also touched on the decline of broadcast television and ABC’s struggling ratings, as well as other networks’ new offerings for fall.

“We need to stop being cool. We’re like grandpas in skinny jeans; we’re not cool,” he joked. “Isn’t there something to dying with dignity?”

Read more of Kimmel’s best jokes below.

“Who could’ve ever guessed that one day Kris Jenner would be open to sponsorships and integrations. Are you telling me the woman who sold her daughters to sketchers is finally ready to cash in? It’s like the world is upside down.”

“Should we go through some of the new words we made up this year? All right. Let’s start with Drax. As you know, everyone here at Disney is very excited about Drax, the Disney real-time ad exchange. I don’t have a joke for this, I just want to point out how sad that is.”

“Next, DAP. The Disney ad platform. It’s back and this year, we’re gonna DAP that ass. That one’s free, guys, just like every goddamn upfront I’ve ever done.”

“We have frictionless marketing. That means we’re done dry humping you assholes, pull the money out of your pocket and get off my leg.”

“This one is a little more complicated: Generation stream. We break viewers into four categories: ‘Stream Only,’ that refers to young people who know 10 or more TikTok dances but can’t read the clock. ‘Stream Most,’ these are viewers who occasionally look on from the phone mostly to roll their eyes at older people. ‘Stream Also,’ these are primarily men who are secretly watching porn while their wives watch ‘The Bachelorette.’ And finally ‘Stream four times a night.’ These are viewers with enlarged prostates who watch CBS but can’t figure out if ‘Blue Bloods’ is a TV show or a reverse mortgage commercial.”

After that we have a ‘Full Funnel Measurement.’ Turns out this is a sex thing. This is a very dirty sex thing. And I have no idea why Doug Hochstadt insisted we include it, but he did. He’s a very weird guy. So that is our new Glossary of bulls— for 2021.”

“We’re storytellers. Has anyone mentioned that today? … That was telling you a story right now. Not a true story, no. The story we’re telling you now is totally made up. But what do you expect us to do? Tell the truth? The truth is not good. You expected us to tell you that more people contracted blood clots from the Johnson and Johnson vaccine than are currently watching network television? No.”

“We don’t know what to do right now. Things are so desperate, we’ve had to resort to doing the right thing: Inclusion. … We want our platforms to be the place where everyone could bring their stories to die.”

“What do you do when you want to bring more people of color under the tent? … You sign a long term deal with the NHL. White people on ice. For 17 years the NHL is back on ABC and ESPN.”

“You heard today that ABC is number one, which is a bunch of number two, but … when sports programming is excluded from the ratings, ABC is at or near the top of the heap. If you exclude all the murders, John Wayne Gacy was a world-class party clown.”

“You have a few bright spots like ‘Big Sky,’ the number one new drama that no one has ever heard of or seen. Big Sky is also where our new shows from the last upfront went.”

“The Wonder Years is back, as in I wonder what year Craig Ehrlich thinks it is, 1988? Our programming strategy is like an old person with a computer that’s not working: shut it down and hope it reboots.”

“Speaking of racist, CBS. CBS is once again calling themselves the most-watched network. Being the most watched network is like being the best selling fax machine. Congratulations.”

“NBC [has] a beautiful night of Dick Wolf. At ABC, we don’t have a dick. I mean, this guy is the PT Barnum of violent crime. And when you got a name like Dick Wolf, it pretty much guarantees you’re going to be in charge of stuff.”

“I hate to kick them when they’re down, but I think maybe Fox may have come up with the single worst idea of the year. It’s called ‘The Big Leap.’ This is a drama about a reality TV dance show, following a group of diverse underdogs putting on a modern hip version of Swan Lake. That show won’t make it to the end of this sentence.”

“We need to stop trying to be cool. We’re like a grandpa in skinny jeans. We’re not cool. Isn’t there something to be said for dying with dignity?”

“Somehow, when everyone was stuck in their houses with nothing to do but watch TV for the past 14 months, we still managed to lose ratings.”

“Disney+has been a huge success for this company. Instead of having to get people to go to the movies, we now just get their credit card numbers and charge them every month until they pass away. It’s a business model we stole from 24 Hour Fitness, but it’s more than just the streaming service. It’s a childcare provider. It’s a nanny that costs $8 a month and and you don’t have to worry about your husband f—ing Disney+.”

“Disney+ is making something truly special, something that hasn’t been made in a very long time. And that’s money.”

“You know, it’s hard for networks to compete with these streaming services. At this point, let’s call ABC what it really is: Disney Minus.”