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How Obama Can Handle Our National Bieber Crisis: Three Options

Where others see a distraction, we see political opportunity

Abuse of our White House petition process means our president must make a decision about Justin Bieber.

Proving that there is no idea so well-intentioned that Americans can’t make into something dumb, more than 100,000 people have signed a petition demanding that our chief executive unilaterally deport the Canadian back to the northern hinterlands.

Also read: Justin Bieber Deportation Petition Will Be Addressed by Obama Administration

But wait, say serious people: Why are you bugging the president with this? You’re gonna feel pretty silly if there’s a terrorist attack the day after the one President Obama spends deliberating on JB.

Stop being shortsighted, people with IQs over a hundred. Because where you see a distraction, we see Machiavellian opportunity. Here are three ways Obama can handle the (alleged) Lamborghini-drifting, (alleged) egg-tossing threat from Beyond the Wall.

1. Do Nothing… And Wait. Obama should just wait for some clever journalist to note that it has been 118 days, or however long it’s been, since the petition crossed the 100,000-signature threshold requiring Obama to Do Something. At this point, Obama should contain a snarl, focus his gaze, and say this:

“I’m not going to address that, Charlie Rose. And super weird that you’re the one asking. This is the kind of thing I expect from Jake Tapper. But anyway. I’m not going to dedicate a second to worrying about that, because there are simply too many real issues facing America, like … ”

Also read: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Defends Justin Bieber: ‘I Wish I Was As Successful’ as His Fellow Canadian

Then he should list the ideas, getting more passionate as he goes, until people start wiping away tears. I’m not gonna do that weird Thomas Friedman thing where he imagines the president saying what he wants him to say. You get the idea.

2. Say It’s Up to Canada. Future Prime Minister Rob Ford has already weighed in, so everything is going to be fine. Obama will get points for knowing how to delegate.

Also read: Jon Stewart: Richard Sherman’s a Thug, But Justin Bieber and Rob Ford Aren’t? (Video)

3. Point Out That the President Can’t Personally Deport People. Then appeal to Congress to just this once set aside egos and unite for the public good, like he did when we almost but didn’t quite go to war with Syria. Say he needs one day of special all-encompassing powers for the narrow purpose of excising Bieber. Then ruthlessly exploit that newfound power to create a path for amnesty, raise the minimum wage, tell the NSA to get it together, and eliminate term limits. Seal the (Canadian) border and declare martial law. This could be the “imperial presidency” Ted Cruz has been warning us about. Downside: Destruction of our 226-year-old Constitutional government. Upside: No more Biebs.

Bonus option: Drone.