In 1979, NBC produced a TV series called “Supertrain,” in which every episode took place on a nuclear-powered luxury locomotive with its own discotheque. I swear this is true. “Supertrain” was the most expensive TV show in history, with the trains alone costing $10 million — which, adjusted for inflation, would be nearly $50 million today. I swear this is true. “Supertrain” was canceled after only nine episodes and, combined with the United States boycott of the 1980 Olympics, nearly bankrupted NBC. I swear this is also true.
“Supertrain” was one of the biggest train wrecks in entertainment history and, what’s worse, it’s so bad nobody remembers it. I thought a lot about “Supertrain” while watching the new comedy “Stop! That! Train!”, a film that also takes place on a giant luxury locomotive and is a forgettable disaster, but hey, at least no one can say they spent too much money.
“Stop! That! Train!” is a kitschy drag parody of old-school disaster movies like “Airport,” “The Poseidon Adventure” and “The Towering Inferno.” It’s a genre that was ripe for parody 45 years ago, when it was nearly obliterated by the classic comedy “Airplane!,” which read it to filth. “Stop! That! Train!” is late to the party and its style is so last century, but that’s not the movie’s problem. Its retro aesthetic is cheerfully appealing.
The film stars a cornucopia of brilliant drag performers, all of whom seem to be having a good time. Ginger Minj and Jujubee play Tess and DeeDee, two train stewardesses who just lost their jobs. Fortunately, the glamorous Glamazonian Express needs to hire two people immediately, so they sneak onto the train and pretend to be the new stewardesses, which gets the plot going but won’t earn them a paycheck. Whatever. It’s a broad comedy and there’s no point picking apart the plot.
Tess and DeeDee were bullied in train stewardess school, and the bullies all work in first class. Amber (Brooke Lynn Hytes), Ashleigh (Symone) and Ali (Marcia Marcia Marcia, credited here as Marty Lauter) are determined to keep Tess and DeeDee in the crappy economy car because they want to hog all the glory in first class. That’s where all the rich people are, including Sarah Michelle Gellar, playing herself, who nobody recognizes. Kudos to Gellar for being a good sport, although the gag is a more sad than funny.
At the Department of Transportation, Donna (Rachel Bloom), who wears glasses and everyone hates her, predicts the train is headed for a stormaganza, which is like “The Perfect Storm” except it’s not perfect, but is an “aganza.” Nobody believes Donna so she hacks the Glamazonian Express’s television, never mind how, and Tess and DeeDee spring into action. Lightning strikes, the brakes go out, and now the train is hurtling into mortal peril. Unless Tess and DeeDee can stop it they’ll crash into a nuclear power plant and, what’s infinitely worse, Laurie Metcalf’s house.
I’m not here to say every joke in “Stop! That! Train!” is a stinker. A lot of them are, but there are a few hearty laughs. The disaster format gives nearly every character an opportunity to say “Can you read me?” and/or “Give it to me straight,” which leads to a litany of amusing insults or a sudden impersonation of heterosexual stereotypes. These jokes aren’t thigh-slappers when you describe them, but if you break “I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley” down into its component parts it loses a lot of its magic too.
RuPaul Charles shows up as President Gagwell, wearing a Donald Trump wig that puts the actual president to shame. (More than usual.) A lot of the best bits are reserved for the “Drag Race” host, who wants to be seen as the “fun” president but also suffers from PTSD after accidentally running over a little girl with a train. The dichotomy mostly works and whenever she’s on camera the film is, if not hilarious, at least entertaining.
“Stop! That! Train!” is intentionally stupid, which is a good line of defense if someone complains too much about its production values or hacky jokes. There’s no sense in criticizing the film’s low budget—everyone in the target audience would be happy to hang out with these drag performers in an abandoned warehouse, so why spend a fortune on it? And, of course, there’s no sense in pointing out that the jokes are cheesy, because in theory that’s also part of the appeal. On the surface, “Stop! That! Train!” looks bulletproof.
But some cheap, stupid comedies are funny enough to get away with it, and “Stop! That! Train!” isn’t one of them. Everyone in Adam Shankman’s film has proved, tirelessly, time and time again, they’re brilliant and hilarious. Their creativity and character work is just hamstrung by the confines of a feature film with an old-fashioned plot, which keeps ruining their fun even though the plot doesn’t matter. So you yearn to watch them break free and do something truly inspired instead.
Maybe I’ve watched too much “Drag Race” and I’m holding the film to a higher standard. Maybe I haven’t watched enough “Drag Race” to forgive the movie’s faults and enjoy watching these wonderful entertainers have a good time, even though I’m not. Or maybe “Stop! That! Train!” just isn’t very good. But hey, at least it’s better than “Supertrain.” Except for the episode where Dick Van Dyke was a murderer who tries to kill a guy’s wife, but only to trick him into realizing he actually loves her. Or the one where a magician replaced a presidential candidate with his identical twin brother to save America. Or the one where … actually, never mind, “Supertrain” was better after all.
