If you haven’t heard, disgraced former President Donald Trump will soon be allowed back on Facebook. Facebook’s parent company Meta made the announcement on Wednesday.
During his monologue on Wednesday night, Jimmy Kimmel mocked that decision, sarcastically insisting that Trump surely won’t do any of the things that got him kicked off in 2020. (You know, the whole inciting-a-violent-insurrection-to-overthrow-the-government-and-remain-president thing.)
“The president of Meta Global Affairs today said Trump’s accounts will come with ‘new guardrails in place to deter repeat offenses,'” Kimmel said.
“Oh, those will work,” Kimmel sneered. “I’m sure this time he’ll be very well-behaved. Ever since he commanded an Army of dimwitted goons to overthrow the government, he’s shown a lot of restraint. He’s almost a zen master now.”
Kimmel said the announcement of Trump’s return to Facebook was a little too late for the former president. He read Trump’s post on Truth Social of him bragging he’s physically fit and won a golf competition.
“The reason that I announce this on fabulous TRUTH is that, in a very real way, it serves as a physical exam, only much tougher. You need strength and stamina to WIN, & I have strength & stamina – most others don’t. You also need strength & stamina to GOVERN!,” Kimmel said while reading Trump’s post.
Kimmel showed a picture of an obese Trump and said, “That’s right, and I’ll tell you if this – isn’t the picture of stamina and strength. You know, when I first looked at it I thought it was The Rock!”
Kimmel cracked, “The only problem with this win is – Fattyshack didn’t exactly play fair.” Kimmel explained Trump missed the first day of the tournament because he was in North Carolina patting himself on the back while speaking at the memorial services of Diamond, of Diamond and Silk.
Kimmel noted Trump counted his score from the day before the tournament and said that should count too.
“So he started the tournament with a five-stroke lead! Which is like showing up at mile 6 and claiming you won the marathon. Even Kim Jong Un was like, ‘yeah, right bro,'” Kimmel said.
There was plenty more, including a hilarious bit by “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” Writer Louis Virtel. He explained at length how George Santos’ lying and grifting make him a legitimate queer trailblazer. We won’t ruin it by explaining it here, though we laughed out loud when he claimed Santos doesn’t need glasses, saying “We know that bitch can see.” But you can watch it above — it kicks in at the 6:32 mark.