James Bond at Risk of Liver Disease, Impotence, Study Finds

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007 should pencil in rehab after his next adventure

James Bond needs to put down the martini stat, because a new study this week reports that the super spy’s liver desperately needs a breather.

British researchers analyzed 007’s alcohol consumption in the Ian Fleming novels that inspired the hit film series and found that he drinks more than four times the limit recommended for men. Who cares about Ernst Stavro Blofeld, because Bond’s proclivity for all things fermented may mark him down for an early visit from the Grim Reaper.

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The study’s authors predict that Bond is at risk to die from alcohol-related diseases by age 56. The report was published in the Christmas edition of the British Medical Journal, and its authors indicated that Bond’s sexual and espionage related exploits were all the more extraordinary because with that kind of alcohol intake he should have difficulty raising a gun, let alone a much loved portion of his anatomy.

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“The level of functioning as displayed in the books is inconsistent with the physical, mental, and indeed sexual functioning expected from someone drinking this much alcohol,” the study’s authors write. “We advise an immediate referral for further assessment and treatment, a reduction in alcohol consumption to safe levels, and suspect that the famous catchphrase ‘shaken, not stirred’ could be because of alcohol induced tremor affecting his hands.”

The study’s authors read 14 Bond novels, kept copious notes documenting each time he raised a glass and found that he had only 12.5 alcohol free days out of 87.5 days on which he was able to drink. They found that the MI-6 agent is at considerable risk of developing liver disease, cirrhosis and, worst of all, impotence.